One tower has something written
on it in Greek, which suggests the other one is probably ornamented as well in
a language we have not studied. One would like to translate, but the energy
expended in looking up words and conjugating them when conjugation is both
possible and expected causes one to become thirsty at precisely that moment
when almost every liquid in the vicinity has evaporated due to exposure to
direct and plentiful sunlight. There is something colored gray and smelling
faintly of ashes in a plastic container in the cupboard, in the shadows out of
reach of the sun’s prying rays, but Eulalie warns me away from it with a song
she apparently composed specifically for this occasion on some previous
occasion when I was out of the house or had been detained by the local
authorities. The sound of her voice has not altered since I first heard it
decades ago when she was sitting under a tree in the moonlight and replaying
the day’s events out loud to no one in particular. It has a rasping quality to
it that, far from suggesting permanent damage to the vocal chords and a congenital
tendency to moral transgression somehow responsible for that damage, convinces
you that her time on the planet has been spent looking after those who might
otherwise have been forced to live in mud huts in the canyon and to allow their
children to wander away somewhere around the second grade. Those people travelling
between one tower and the other, we are told, do so by boat and they have the
wind at their back and are entirely free of care or worry so long as the fruit
and the flower blossoms continue to drop haphazardly into the boat with them.
Certainly this would be the perfect opportunity for someone following along on
the bank or standing at the top of one of the towers in question to take a photograph
and attempt to sell copies of the photograph to the passengers once they have
disembarked (if they are allowed to disembark) or to a magazine of the sort that
is still interested in the outside world as opposed to the abstract interior
world that has become of such enormous interest to those who still purchase
things like magazines. For her part, Eulalie denies the primacy of either,
stating that interior and exterior are separate sides of the same worthless
coin and that we ought instead to be concentrating our attention on the
unremittingly dull if we wish to get to the bottom of anything, if we wish to
understand why our hearts and our shoelaces, for instance, are made of fundamentally
identical materials.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Stumbling over semi-circular
concrete edifices with pungent soil and ordinary flowers in the center of them,
children throwing dice in the dark, we begin to rethink and replace even our most
primeval desires. We locate them somewhere close to the gall bladder. But this
is disingenuous on our part, a strategy we invent when we are between two locations,
we are stranded like ducks frozen feet-first to the surface of a lake. Eulalie
recommends visual illustration, the putting of pen and ink to paper and then
wadding up the results because they remind you of something you saw on the
isthmus. Chained mammals. Butterflies drinking at the corners of their eyes. I
dispute every third claim she makes on principle, then turn my attention to the
nearby sounds of thunder, of rainwater on the street. She knows my hands are
growing steadily weaker. They can’t be trusted to hold tight to a rope. Just
the sort of failing that can cause the forest floor to rush up at you like a
predatory fish (assuming, of course, you are dangling for some reason above the
forest floor on a rope). This doesn’t mean I’m planning to un-build what we have
spent entire decades building. It doesn’t mean our time together is destined to
become something legendary, something you put in a book when you can’t think of
anything else to put in it, like the chemical composition of magma or the
lineage of one noble Greek family or another. In a handwritten note, I discover
what appears at first glance to be a secret code and I take it to the African
up the road who has experience unraveling such things, who spent his formative
years in the employ of cartographers and had to run for his life on more than
one occasion when the building in which he worked was damaged by an earthquake.
His fingernails are yellow or gray and have been chewed ragged and I wonder if
maybe the ringing in his ears he complains of from the moment I arrive is the
sort of thing that drives one crazy, literally crazy, if left untreated. But
then, something is bound to drive one crazy at some point, isn’t it? Assuming
one is a little unbalanced to begin with and susceptible to outside influences
that the rest of us wouldn’t notice even if you made a special point of drawing
our attention to them. Influenced by the African, Eulalie spends hours recalling
events from a past with barely discernible labels on it, evoking rivers overhung
with vines and toasters that belonged to historical personages of the first and
second rank. You can make an entire workable ontological system, she contends, by
casting about in the remnants left by those who have come to visit, those who
endeavor to return transience to its original luster. By way of illustrating a not
altogether separate point, she pulls out of her hat phrases she has written down
ahead of time on small, ragged pieces of paper and placing them next to the objects
they are intended to describe. The porcelain tortoise. The book ends with gaudy
pirates standing astride them. She turns the fan on and starts over. This lasts
for a good twenty minutes, interrupted only briefly when she unwraps a piece of
caramel and eyes it suspiciously as if it were made of lint, before placing it
on her tongue and closing her eyes. I am tempted to fear for her mind at times
like these, but I know my fears are misplaced, as is my lust. These emotions
more properly belong to that stage of our lives together when we saw one another
as emblems rather than actual human beings, as stand-ins for ideas and
attitudes we knew through our careful reading of Kierkegaard and our careless
reading of Kant, and conversations with all the right people (read baristas and
the occasional unemployed environmental engineer) we were expected to adopt. Ideas
and attitudes we were then expected to alter, but only rarely. Only when they
had ceased serving their original purpose and had begun instead to ossify, to lend
an undeserved and undignified weight to any otherwise mediocre sentence that just
happened to contain them.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Exile seems more and more likely,
days spent in a shack on a promontory overlooking the sea. What’s to complain
of? My ribs ache on one side only, in the evening when the wine has grown
bitter and the conversation circles around ideas that have only recently gone
out of fashion. Neuropathways and brie cheese. The distance between two points that
seem to be placed directly on top of one another. I’d like to take the opportunity
to recall past events that may or may not have happened to me, to bundle them
up with twine and toss them to my accomplice waiting in the next room, but I
know she is sleeping and the least disturbance is liable to enter her
subconscious mind and re-arrange the contents, not necessarily for the better. Just
try then to undo the damage with bicycle rides, with miniature origami flowers
arranged in intricate patterns. Not that anyone affected would recognize the
damage had been done in the first place. They would glance at you out of the corner
of their eyes and shrug their shoulders and the rest of the afternoon might be
spent then repeating meaningful phrases as if to leach the meaning from them
and turn them into a veritable gruel. On the sidewalk I am forced to turn my
body ninety degrees repeatedly so as to be able to pass safely through barriers
placed there specifically to keep me out. The idea seems to be that my presence
will make others uncomfortable and they will flee in all directions in a panic,
but precisely the opposite occurs. Before I know it, I am surrounded by curious
faces, people with expressions of wonder and something even like (dare I say it?)
awe in their eyes and around their mouths as if they have just stumbled on a
fragment of an Ionic column sticking up out of the broken asphalt of a parking
lot. I am offered joyful chanting on all sides, and handshakes and even a mint julep
by an old man who says he has seen me before, on the other side of town where
things like this just do not happen. Where you are told what to wear and how to
behave and what subjects to study from the time you are eight or nine years old
until the time they put you in the grave, and even then, there are plenty of expectations.
You can’t just lie there, for instance, at your ease for all of eternity. You
must make every effort to start another journey, to gather what things you need
and set off (after, of course, a sufficient enough time has passed to allow
those who knew you or those who just thought they knew you to grieve) over the mountains
that mark the barrier between this world and some other one that probably, if
we are being honest with ourselves, looks a lot like this one and offers many
of the same pleasures and disappointments. Fact is it’s hard to take seriously the
alternatives that have been presented to us in the meantime. The stratocumulus
clouds. The doe-eyed virgins in their tunics.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The steppe invites all and
sundry, beckons with a bird hung high in the air for an hour or more, the sound
of exotic stringed instruments manipulated by experts. I take notes in my head
and then erase them immediately, cast them out the way one casts out demons
when one is plagued by them or knows others who are. Not that there is a lot of
gambling here, or algebra or masturbation. It’s just the seasons begin to take
their toll – they rumble in with authority, and with spiderlings at the ends of
their webs. With brazen calls for starting over. Eulalie wanders down the hall as instructed,
feeling at the core of herself that something is amiss but not wishing to
acknowledge this because she has acknowledged such foreboding in the past and
had it come back to haunt her. Or at least tap her on the shoulders as if to
say, “you’re standing on my foot.” She takes stock of her surroundings but they
are so drab suddenly and dark and anonymous, she begins to wonder if maybe she
has wandered by accident into someone else’s consciousness, has taken it over
and is now strangely compelled to light a flame. Our flesh is re-constituted as
a matter of course. It finds its likeness and shadow in everything it passes,
everything it rubs up against even if it tears. The necklace on the neck of a
passing stranger, the onyx in it gulping light. The flagpole standing erect and
bare in the middle of a park otherwise overrun with skunks. The man’s sister is
lying apparently naked in bed, the entire overwrought mass of her, though the bitterest
sections are walled off by a blanket and the presence of three or four parrots
each big as a small child and bobbing its head about in an aggressive manner. Prizefighters
in scarlet. None of them speak. Eulalie has told me before she thinks the day
divides up rationally into twelve zones or arenas and she labels them according
to the way they make her feel, but she doesn’t bother sharing the results with
me because she thinks I am stupid. She says so out loud and counts to three. I
am expected to respond in kind but whenever I try – whenever I quote Wordsworth
from memory or staple blank pieces of paper to other blank piece of paper, step
back and shout voila! -- she breaks into long, exasperated sobs. She pulls her
favorite old blanket over her shoulders, pin hold cigarette burns all over it like
lesions of the skin, the smell of it something to remind you of other places
even if you weren’t there -- you hadn’t been so much as imagined or daydreamed
or limned -- when the blanket (younger then and entirely intact) picked them
up, when it made their scent and aura the building blocks, the disembodied originals
of its own.
Monday, December 10, 2012
The
effect is of holes on parchment, material interrupted in its attempt to go
without borders, to go without purpose. We attempt to align the holes through
the liberal application of ink and hypnosis and the subsequent vertigo catches
us off guard. We suppose the voices we hear then belong to those on the other
side, but when we turn it over, we see little more than a window and beyond
that a hillside covered in scrub. The sun beats down on it uninterruptedly for several
minutes at a time and then layers of sound replace the sun gleefully. It is as
if they had been waiting in nearby passageways, in the pockets of discarded
coats. I try for a while to live without placing my feet on any convenient surface
– the rocks like axioms strewn about in such a way as to impede the progress of
others, the baby grand piano given as a gift. But my every effort is thwarted
by that part of my mind that doesn’t believe the other parts exist. That insists
it is the sole occupant and as such deserving of respect like that given the
royalty of the Sandwich Islands when they were still called that and not
something else. An hour later, someone is lying in the street, bleeding from a wound
that doesn’t appear serious, and yet, he will not answer any questions. He
seems to believe that the wound corresponds to the holes in the parchment we
started with in some deep and meaningful
way, but by that time we have sent the parchment away to be examined by experts
and have little faith that it will be returned. Maybe our only option is to
create a similar object ourselves and pass it around until the second object
becomes as enigmatic, and ultimately threadbare, as the first. You can imagine
the outcry, the jumping up and down on boxes that are rumored to contain
explosives but are probably just empty. They have that appearance. And besides,
when was the last time we discovered gold coins buried in the soil? Or buried
them ourselves and returned to find that they had not been dug up? I like to
think the legend placed underneath the object, the parchment, when they
eventually hang it on a wall will reference those of us who spent so much of
our lives attempting to decode it, attempting to fit it into conceptions we
already hold. I like to think too the legend will be a mild peach in color, reminding
one of childhood at precisely that point when childhood is furthest away, when
it is covered over in something very like concrete and very like vines.
Friday, November 30, 2012
One channel bluer than the rest,
with less resistance, less water volume and fewer cattails, crops up in the
narrative repeatedly. This is a trap. Don’t get caught in it. Don’t try to
locate the channel on a map of the region because, first, there are no maps of
the region short of those kept in the head and these are notoriously
unreliable. Second, the landmarks will shift on you until you are completely
lost, until you are convinced someone has been manipulating the real-world
equivalent of a game board, and you will be right. To a certain extent. But
that doesn’t lessen the suffering or even make it meaningful. What it does is
turn the picture we have in our minds of the soffits, of planetary drift, into
caricatures to be pawned off on whoever is the next to happen by. Whoever has a
fifty-cent piece in his pocket. I liken the process to that which allows
air-breathing insects to dive a short distance beneath the surface of the water
by trapping bubbles against their legs. Obviously, I’m not shooting for one
hundred percent accuracy here, but the comparison is apt enough to get me
invited back again and again until eventually I become so comfortable the
hostess has to ask me, none too politely, to leave when everyone else has
already made an exit. The moon is high and crooked, leaning to the right, and
the air is so cold you can feel the skin on your face and on your fingers begin
to change shape, to morph and complain. I walk for maybe half an hour before I
realize I am making an enormous circle and turn back, but it’s too late.
Already the sounds in the street, the barking dogs and the oboes on the radio muted
behind closed windows announce the return of something that had only recently
been lost, and you couldn’t say mourned exactly, so much as dissected – turned
into little more than a list that contains maybe twenty items of greater or
lesser complexity. But if that’s not the right channel to follow, which one is?
Which one has the mark of authenticity (a glimmer to it, I suppose, like that
you glimpse on actual bodies of water)? The answer invites something close to fury
when it is delivered. It makes us feel about a thousand years old. But you have
to continue despite all sense of impending obsolescence, of diminishment and
release, because if you don’t, if you abandon the pursuit at precisely the
moment you realize it is a pursuit and not something else, something passive
and therefore obscene, you run the risk of being labeled a dunce, or even a
minor traitor. And, believe me, some of these labels can remain in place for more
than a few days.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Please forgive me, she says, if I
don’t know your name. This is the point where cheese comes into the picture. It
is government issue (of course) and covered in mold. Maybe we are expecting a flugelhorn
solo, something tidy, trimmed up around the edges. My patience wears to a point
too miniscule to observe, sharp as the end of a pencil and twice as lethal. I
don’t wield it with anything like precision but the time will come when half
the dollar bills in your pocket begin to resemble the other half and bus fare
increases to a point where no one is riding anymore. They stand on the sidewalk
and wave or make obscene gestures, which is just another form of waving. The
kitchen smells faintly of raspberries and Comet, of ink stains on the fingers
and Eulalie sits uncomfortably at a chair with her name engraved on the back of
it as if the man and whoever else is in the house (she can sense someone else’s
presence the way you can sense midges flitting about behind your head) have
been expecting her, as if they have planned this encounter down to the millimeter.
When I stumble up mountain paths, I am hoping to find someone at the end,
someone seated with his legs crossed in a makeshift temple, candles burning and
meaningless syllables hanging in the cold air. I picture a conversation that
has no real center, that spins around on itself in ever widening circles like
the trajectory of a hungry bat and a moment of clarity that remains still
pretty murky by the accepted standards of such moments, those that have been
handed down to us by seers and drinkers and the hopelessly insane in books and
films with titles that don’t seem very promising at first. That suggest ordinary
afternoons in Connecticut. A love affair between two people who don’t really
care what love is. But who seem suddenly likable because the camera is angled
low and so looks up at them and their faces are creased and sunken in in places
like ours, and smooth and idealized in others, like those faces belonging to
religious icons painted in the thirteenth century by artists who never quite knew
when to stop, when to put the brushes down and take a break and watch the
children throw rocks at one another or pull the wings off any birds they happened
to catch in their improvised nets.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
The change in temperature
coincides with a change in pitch, a dropping of the voice sufficient to cause
those in the vicinity to pause in their conversations and glance around
nervously, to look over their shoulders. Primarily in the direction of the entrance
where the voice seems to originate, though it is always difficult to determine
these things, isn’t it? It’s like burning paper and repeating nonsense
syllables over and over again in an effort to glimpse the authentic self as
opposed to the inauthentic one who shows up in shop windows and other people’s memories,
their vivid dreams. The man says he has a sister inside who is partial to women
like Eulalie though she enjoys the company of men and boys as well when nothing
better is available. He says he knows Eulalie can use the cash just by looking
at the condition of her canvas shoes and the comb sticking out of her coat
pocket like one of the discolored antennae of an outsized mechanical insect. He
opens the gate to the backyard and she follows as if in a trance, though she
knows trances belong more properly in religious memoirs and fiction and so she makes
a note to herself to invent a compelling version of these events when she gets
home, a version having as its catalyst not the events in question -- and of
course those occurring immediately previous to them -- but the overwhelming sense
that her life is supposed to mean something even when it is completely devoid
of the strange set of integers that keep popping up or the elements of myth
(the timely lightning flashes, the earth goddesses carved from stone) that
might make someone, a complete stranger, sit up and take notice. Might make him
whistle through his fingers in an attempt to catch her attention before she
slips away forever on that sea we call anonymity when we feel like we should
call it something so that others will know what the devil we are talking about.
Not that it matters. They too are headed in the same direction and the only
thing that promises to redeem us is an empty basket hanging in the corner of
the room or a bottle tossing about on rough ocean waves, a bottle that we of
course imagine contains a handwritten message from someone marooned on an island
these past seventy years and more, someone who had enough time on his hands to examine
our most crucial concerns seriously – how the subject and the object interact
with one another now that we know it is not the pineal gland’s job to effect such
an introduction. Why desire causes suffering when it ought, logically speaking,
to cause nothing more serious than a headache, or a sore throat, while an occasional
bird silhouetted in the morning sun trills from its palm branches in triumph.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Our peculiar distrust of isinglass
comes up so frequently in conversation you might almost say it filters the view.
It takes its place on the list of items to receive thorough exegesis once the
business of everyday survival is no longer paramount, no longer takes its cue
from the enormous beasts that used to frequent this place. My wrist still aches
but it has stopped speaking its own language, it has stopped talking to me at
night the way people in dreams talk to you without always moving their lips
appropriately. They occupy some ethereal midrange place the rest of us are excluded
from if only because we haven’t yet figured out how to read minds. Still, we are
trying to learn. In fact, you can make the case that everyone is engaged in very
little but the attempt to learn and master this skill from the time they become
aware that other people seem to be possessed of minds that can do trigonometry
when called upon and can remember the principal players at Austerlitz this many
centuries after the fact. I consent to x-rays and wait the interminable wait and
then a woman is standing beside me in a blue smock. Her breath smells of gin,
of elderberries, and it throws me back to a time when the world itself was as timid
and dull as a healthy neck joint, was designed to turn in but a few directions
and when you asked it to move beyond these, to behave in ways that it was not intended
to, a gloom settled over the mountains and made them seem distant and artificial.
I don’t particularly want to return to that place but I am forced to by the
fact that the entity we call a memory has its own itinerary. The journey doesn’t
last long, though. Praise heaven! the woman’s breasts under the blue smock are
beckoning. They sway in familiar ways. She stands to the right and operates the
machinery and I wonder what actually happens when electrons and positrons enter
the memory where they do not belong. Do they alter only other subatomic particles
like themselves or do they enter the world created and stored by such and
bounce around in there as happily as butterflies? Do they build nests high up
in the cypress trees in the cypress swamps and stare stupidly at the ascendant moon?
As usual, the woman knows what is on my mind and finishes quickly, writing
something no doubt caustic on the chart and mumbling a farewell before
disappearing behind a curtain I hadn’t noticed before. When I picture tendons
they almost always come in a dull gray color and flex and spin and seem on the
verge of snapping at any moment. I have no idea how accurate this image is, but
the more I think about it, the less it seems to matter. Everything is a model,
an approximation, of everything else and when you begin to insist on precision,
on an accuracy relying on nothing but itself, you are just a step or two away
from a particular form of madness, from an isolation so complete as to suggest volcanic
islands, or worse – stagnant ponds on those volcanic islands full of turtles
and bones.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
I stop, stand in place and light
a cigar once the trail reveals itself as a trail, as something determined to go
backward in time and space and take me with it even when I think I am going
forward. What I am hoping for some day is a simple room, with or without windows,
it doesn’t matter. Maybe a table for writing, a place to lay my head when it
grows so heavy the neck seems obsolete. Something to preserve in a museum.
Maybe someone on the other side of the wall to rap out a code we determine for
ourselves after a month or two of trying. Of course, I can never be sure if the
rules and structure I settle upon are the same as those settled on by my invisible
companion and so I can never consequently be sure that the idea or statement or
threat or filthy joke he is tapping is the same finally as what I manage to decode,
but still, coincidence can only explain, at most, every third occurrence of any
such it is enlisted to explain and I envision hours spent in this fashion that would
otherwise be spent pouring over Ahkmatova and reliving a past that is better
left to molder in the shadows out of view. Eulalie considers the topography
misleading, says the going up is always preceded by a sliding sideways and
wonders if maybe this isn’t a message sent from above by someone who wants us to
pay more attention to the everyday, to be grateful for it the way we are
grateful for the proper admixture of oxygen and nitrogen without even realizing
it, without once mentioning it to those who stand next to us at the counter and
place their orders and wait. They seem distracted by something, anxious to get
away. Eulalie recalls the time she was walking beside a line of orange trees, deep
in the sort of metaphysical speculation that is very nearly always brought on
by the smell of raw citrus, when an elderly man, well-dressed and proper,
called out to her from his back yard where he was a digging an enormous hole in
the ground with a spade. His inquiry concerned money and she knew what that
meant, but he waved her initial outrage off as if it were composed primarily of
gnats and the sounds that emerge from musical instruments when played by
someone who has no training, who has never even seen their like before except
for maybe in a movie set in post-war Vienna. Funny how our recollections start
out as tangible reality and would stay that way but for our bad habit of
allowing the world and everything in it to slip by, to alter its appearance and
timbre until there is no way to recognize it anymore, no means of determining
who we are and where we fit in short of withdrawing forever into the memory
itself, where we can float at the surface like otters and drift off into something
like sleep eventually, lapped at by the warm and familiar waters, by the darkness
that is not darkness absolute but only a simulacra -- the memory of darkness –
which we can then alter at will to suit our needs the way we alter the genetic
make up of the tomatoes we eat, or the course of entire rivers.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
We rehearse using bamboo sticks
and faces painted on paper plates, strands of barbed wire wrapped loosely
around the trunk of these effigies some two hours before the procession is to
begin, before the trumpet fanfare erupts from somewhere in the back of the
crowd and threatens to overwhelm the entire production. Special attention gets
paid to the way the letters look, what color they are and in what order they
appear, just as if we are afraid they will begin to organize themselves into
ever more complex patterns and leave us behind to attempt to sort through our
experience using little more than beads. And a memory of something called the
cosmos dissolving around its own edges like a copper coin soaking in bleach. I
know the plane is going down, I know we have no hope of staying aloft as soon
as I set my eyes on the fuselage, before I ever even step on board. It’s the
same as we saw previously covered in vines. Not the same type, the same one. And
we are, of course, the skeletons strapped in the seats. The realization doesn’t
horrify, doesn’t send a shudder through my body like an eel as it is supposed
to, but beckons strangely. Coos from wherever it originated in the
voice of Eulalie which is deep and melodic and possessed of scent, of almond
and ozone, even when it is disembodied. All these days and months later, it has
forgone the use of words, turns them into empty shells for the purpose of
striking them, of letting the echoes resonate within each one separately and
then releasing them to combine with and magnify all the others through some
manner of catastrophe, of violence like that you remember from a time when you
had just begun to discover the parameters of your own body. The demarcations
and that odd concept space, and you felt the need to solidify both the one and
the other forever in your mind by caressing them with your hand and, later, your
tongue. By making a kind of primitive love to them as one might make love to
another person simply because that other person is present, because he or she
has turned up in the bed or in the alleyway unbidden except maybe in subconscious
response to that part of yourself that rails against nothing, that abhors the
darkness and the all-encompassing silence (that silence that seems to peak,
oddly enough, when other people are speaking) and doesn’t care finally that any
apparition it succeeds in forging, any voice and any flesh, is bound to be
frozen at its center the way your own flesh is when you attempt to touch it in
the mirror. When you try and fail to peel it away with your fingers, to detach
and pull out of you whatever pristine object has been cowering inside by
tugging at the gore that keeps it anchored. The bleeding strings and ligaments
you tear loose eventually in your senseless spasming hands.
Friday, November 16, 2012
You
reach one number measuring chronologically, something else altogether using
emotion or sex – when determining her age by memories faint now as a billboard
forgotten and overgrown on a gravel road. Leaves pile up in the low places and
water congregates as if afraid of the cold. I harbor sentiments there are no
names for anymore, pithy black edifices at the center of my chest that
reconfigure their outlines every hour on the hour, that mimic the shadows cast
by skyscrapers and those cast by nothing whatsoever, that just appear out of
nowhere and slide along the forest floor as if in search of a meal. Maybe
someday I’ll jot down a few of these impressions and flesh them out with the
assistance of someone else’s nightmares. The rickety stairs, the bits of raw
goat flesh left lying around on a table. The difficulty arises in the fact that
so few people are willing to expound upon where they have been at night and
with whom. The stakes couldn’t be higher. Whole neighborhoods (not posh
exactly, but not run down either, with streets named after indigenous tribes)
are threatened by what we call a mindset because we have to call it something.
Otherwise, no one will realize what we are up to, that we are analyzing a
particular object or situation. We are not simply speaking to ourselves like
those lost souls who have ingested exotic hallucinogens and are walking around
aimlessly by the pier or those who manage others and tell them how to sell
things, who make decisions that seem, on the outside at any rate, of the utmost
importance. When you throw it all up onto a screen afterward, when you give
life to it by putting wise and belligerent phrases into the mouths of
characters who otherwise wouldn’t say anything because there would be no
motivation and no larynx, the proceeds are apt to hit the seven figures, before
they return again to two or three like the population cycles of the monarch
butterfly. Eulalie too occupied a place without a center, spent her evenings
documenting that place by speaking of it to those who had never been and had no
hope of getting there. Who saw the place as somehow equivalent to the taiga
with its cold vistas and its clouds of mosquitoes. Eulalie patterned all this
after the visions she had once in the afternoon, a series of such involving nebulae
and the sun and the whole numbers in their totality, visions that altered her
voice forever, that pitched it so low as to remind one of the humming of the
furnace just before it engages, or the interminable turning of empty belts in a
sawmill when there is no timber on hand. Turns out no commercial flights depart
from here, only military transport of a haphazard nature, reminding one of
recurring dreams that recur only rarely, and that when you’ve consumed too many
raw vegetables or you’ve been on your feet all day. Exhaustion is the name we
give a whole galaxy of ailments because we no longer have, by definition, the
energy to create or commit to memory a thorough taxonomy, for driving a wedge
between one concept and another and letting the moisture in to do its dirty
work. Eulalie taunts me from some location I can’t quite identify, a place of
solid palms and people whispering conspiratorially in the background. She says
the idea of climax is almost as good as the climax itself and brings up past
episodes in which the eyes rolled back in the head, and the feet curled up like
stamens deprived of light. Wouldn’t we rather have this conversation over the
telephone? Or in the back of a tavern where someone is playing the mandolin?
Wouldn’t we come to appreciate labels for each body part and each movement the
body makes before it comes to a complete stop? We could affix them at night
when the owner of that body is sleeping and when questioned about it later, we
could lie and dissemble and eventually admit our mistakes, our jealousies and
failures of will that, when stacked up together in this accusatory fashion,
begin to resemble a tower, an actual stone and mortar tower of the sort that
people used to spend their entire lives in, especially when they had been
deceived and double crossed by powerful family members with a noticeable lisp
or fungus on their toenails. I strap myself in close by the cargo, the
containers of ammunition and the broken-down vehicles, mostly jeeps I gather by
the shape of them, covered in tarps, and I watch the others, seated close
behind the cockpit, get up a game of chess with a board and pieces left behind
by previous passengers, I suppose, by those who have been deposited in the far
flung mountains and jungles to meet their fates with whatever dignity they
could muster. And jars of mayonnaise. Eulalie retreats then into a permanent
obscurity, into the glare of sunlight on glass, and I have difficulty retaining
my composure as the forest stretches out beneath us in all directions like a net
or a sentence. But I know the others are watching carefully for any sign that I
might turn against them, that I might abandon whatever measure of self I still
possess in exchange for a single one of her fingers traced slowly along my
temple. For a hymn done up in what they used to call a minor key.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Leaving the branches to their own
devices, their own peculiar way of filtering the essence from the air, she lets
her shadow stretch across the highway for a moment, or a window through which
one can glimpse – just barely – half empty bookshelves. A plastic crate for
transporting milk. Afterward, I follow the rumors that persist in this part of
the world for days and weeks, use them as the lines on a map. There is violence
at the core of them like molten rock and an air of credibility if only because
they are muttered under the breath, and in the native tongue. They all resemble
one another in key areas – the stripping of flesh from the hands with an
instrument originally intended to polish the inside of copper kettles. The jumping
up and down in place, the stammering incoherently at the moon as if placed in a
trance by someone or something that operates without motive. That wouldn’t
understand the concept should you take the time to explain it, using ready-made
diagrams you find online and Schumann lieder playing in the background. Each
thread leads to another and just when you become convinced that you have journeyed
over them all twice over, a new one emerges from under a rock or from the purse
carried by the woman who informs me she knows where the infant is being raised.
I am dumbstruck by the brute audacity of it all. The generation and
regeneration from little more than organelles. And a look in the eye that says
the eye is not registering anything that stands before it. By the time I track
it down, the child has stopped its incessant caterwauling and it bumps into the
furniture as if trying to escape vicious entities the rest of us can not detect.
If I look closely for some manner of resemblance (not just to me, but any of us,
to any of the trio of unwilling protagonists) -- some kind of answer to a
question I hadn’t yet been intelligent enough to formulate -- I find exactly
what it is I wish to find. And then it goes away. It fades into non-existence as
effortlessly as might a properly-adapted viper into the desert sands. This, in
effect, blocks my way, my desired course once and for all, and I have to change
destination. An hour later, I am at the airport, or something that looks like
an airport, booking passage for home. The woman behind the counter fails to see
the urgency in my predicament, though. The more forcefully I try to explain by
drawing straight lines up and down on a piece of paper and pointing to one of
them, the more she insists longitude doesn’t matter. We no longer take measure
of it since they started floating satellites in the sky. We have exiled it the
way Ovid was exiled for insulting someone important and he had nothing then to
do with the rest of his days but reflect with a quill and ink on something as
mundane as love or transformation. Besides, why hanker after something that
never existed in the first place? she says. Why spend all that money, shed all
those tears, only to have a stranger in the shampoo aisle say he saw you once
in a dream? The dream is lengthy and intricate but it ends in an enormous field
with the two of you staring at each other and wondering which one will make the
decision that has to be made? Which one will pull out the critical object
secreted away in his coat and hold it in his hand for the other to examine, for
the other to fall down on his knees before because there is nothing comparable in
his coat, nothing of similar
importance to discover or reveal, no matter how deeply into it he reaches?
Friday, November 9, 2012
The forms mention vertigo
casually, almost as an afterthought, and you are left to supply your own
definition, your own way of separating out the pieces and recombining them
again in a plausible or meaningful manner. It is a job the size of an otter and
when you’ve had enough, when you believe your eyes will turn to powder in their
sockets by virtue of the alkali lingering still in the air, the blatant
insults, you turn your attention to the wall where a handful of near masterpieces
hang in small, bronze frames. Certainly they have been overlooked by the rest
of the world because they are easy to overlook here in a backwater with its
single railway station and the mourning doves all gathered together on the
roofs of the houses in twos and threes, waiting, it seems, for something
inevitable to happen. Something that will render the thirty minutes prior to
its arrival all but irrelevant. I like to trace the outlines of objects and
images that don’t exist, that materialize at the ends of my fingertips and then
de-materialize again just as quickly, the whole merely suggested by the
movement of my hand and fingers and the memory which fires and goes black
repeatedly, so that whatever we retain in our memories is etched there by a
wilting sort of flame, by something that refuses to endure simply because it is
expected to. The payoff? More time to do the same. An afternoon at least. Maybe
twenty years. In the crawlspace, I drop my flashlight and surrender for a
moment to the claustrophobia that engulfs me, that scurries around on feet that
don’t really sound like feet but tentacles. Why not stay here indefinitely? Why
not put the mind at ease by offering it up as some kind of sacrifice? To whom
or what does not matter. Of course, one’s instincts kick in --for
self-preservation and the creation of entities that are not exactly the same as
their creator (though the resemblance should be sufficient to eliminate any
lingering doubt by all parties involved). From there it’s just a matter of
finding your way to the surface again, of following shafts of light to the places
where they enter, of listening for the sound of other people speaking no matter
how distant. The chances you will be misled dwindle with each passing
centimeter, with each long day ticked off on the damp patch of plaster that
passes for a calendar until you are right back where you started again, and yet
everything is different. The files in the filing cabinet have turned a dead
yellow and when you examine them closely, they are written in a code or language
you can not decipher. The sidewalks all have cracks in them through which weeds
begin to sprout and flower and you hold off poisoning them because they remind
you of something but you can’t remember what. It would be a shame to do them
in, to turn their petals black, before the connection is made, before they have
their chance to pluck you from the present like a man drowning in a low but
relentless surf.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
By January I’m thinking the space
between us too enormous to traverse, a wilderness with nothing at the center,
not so much as a handful of fig trees. There is no point in coming up with a
name because the name too would be swallowed up, would disappear forever on the
blank synapse and the collapsed brick wall. But who can help himself when faced
with something that needs to be referred to? Needs to be distinguished from
others of its kind? I become convinced Eulalie has set out in the direction
from which we originally came, and as soon as I can figure out which direction
that is, as soon as I can find my bearings amid the overgrowth and the obelisks
and the vines, I’ll follow suit. In the meantime, I have recklessly at the
steel drum, I run my hands through torn netting in hopes of finding bits of
real silver among the minnow scales and the trailing strands of algae. The
others get drunk in the shadows of the corral. They tell stories of their
sexual prowess and the sexual prowess of the peculiar, five-legged forest
sprites said to inhabit this corner of the world by people who don’t really
believe what they’re saying. They still get their hair cut by professionals.
They still listen to the radio with something like awe as if it had been
invented by extraterrestrials or those saints depicted as travelling from one
place to another on the back of a mule. When you ask them a direct question,
they look away, but you see immediately what they are looking at. The sun. And
if you attempt to hold your gaze there the way they do, the way they are known
the world over for, even being singled out by a Scandinavian publication of
some repute for a feature article written by a man who otherwise spent his days
entirely in basement establishments downing absinthe, the pain will become so
intense you will have no choice but to look away. And the moment you do, the
moment you turn your eyes away from that which is destroying them, is melting
them from without, you are overcome with remorse. With a palpable longing to
gaze at that merciless fiery object again. But you know to do so would be
tantamount to admitting you have committed a crime. And not just any crime, but
one in the category of crimes against humanity because you will have committed
it against yourself. And you are human. You will have treated yourself (and, by
extension, everyone else, especially those who have never heard of you, who
couldn’t even conceive of your having been born and having grown up among
ordinary wicker furniture and clocks on the walls with Roman numerals on them)
as a mere object to overcome, as that which stands between you and a bloodless
apotheosis in light.
Monday, November 5, 2012
His appearances hinge on
barometric pressure, on whether or not the crickets are singing. Circumstances
we can neither predict nor alter without also altering the way we view the
outside world. Permanently. And for the worse. I peel the backs off the labels I
find in my coat pocket and affix them haphazardly to fence boards and abandoned
refrigerators. I sketch on those left over at night, in pen, creating intricate
cross-hatch visages that have no right to exist because they are too nearly
perfect, too symmetrical and reveal next to nothing that hides behind them.
When we are out in the open, miles away from the nearest gas station or pastry
chef, when our arms begin to twitch and shudder under no other impetus than the
sight of the moon, who will soothe the panic that rises to the surface then
like a family of cephalopods? Who will write each distinct and necessary number
down for future consultation without also insisting on a surcharge, on a means
of keeping his family alive? Immanuel stumbles over physical entities in the
road like rocks and cobras and when he coughs, I detect (precisely because I am
looking for it) actual vapor droplets coming from his mouth. All of which
suggest he’s not entirely of the other, unknown plane yet and there might be
time to get a hook into his flesh -- or what manifests itself in the guise of
flesh -- and pull him back into this fretfully mundane plane of our own. He
seems to know what I am contemplating, though, and whenever I maneuver myself
to within arms’ length, he pulls away. He issues a brief, inhuman shriek and
then utters a series of uncanny words and phrases. Usually an impromptu
commentary on books and atlases the rest of us have no access to, entire
libraries (if I were to guess) existing as shadows of that destroyed in Alexandria
or suffering funding cuts up the road in Illinois. If my wits could be with me
instead of elsewhere, instead of scampering up pine trees like small,
anxiety-prone mammals, I would cease creation of the perfect cross-hatch human
faces and gather some of what is presented from the unknowable by this visitor
who, when still here in his totality, had no more use of the previously undocumented
bits of Anachreon he is spouting at me than he did an intimate knowledge of the
behind-the-scenes workings of his microwave oven. How lukewarm we’ve become to
the things we can see with our eyes, but not our minds! As if our minds had
come to cultivate blindness. As if they had spent too much time on ladders
leading always up and leaning perilously to one side when you place your foot
upon the bottom rung. Ten years from now, I will look back at the present
moment and glimpse maybe one eight thousandth of what surrounds and overwhelms
me today – the light inundating everything in waves, the mountain still four
days or a week away by foot but glinting in the sun like the unearthed corner
of a diamond, and, along a ridge near the top, a dozen or so enormous radio
telescopes all pointed in the same general direction, listening intently for
waves and communication from the deepest parts of outer space, where
everything, apparently, is sound, is abiding and undifferentiated noise
masquerading for some reason no one can quite put his finger on as impenetrable
silence.
Friday, November 2, 2012
The purpose in tunneling is to
reach some destination that isn’t marked on your globe, that doesn’t show up
when you close your eyes and repeat certain words over and over again until you
fall into something very like a trance -- except it lacks the mental wallpaper
with eyeballs on it and the sound of oboes. Every third turn brings me to a dead
end and I consider giving up entirely but I remember what the nurse said to me
in the middle of the night when she thought I was in a coma. I am inspired to
continue. There is no question what I remember is not the same thing as what occurred
and that I am deriving my inspiration from something that does not exist. And
yet, how is this any different, finally, from how other people operate? They
get on their hands and knees and they shuffle from one spot to another (all of
it in the mud or on cherry wood floors under overhead track lighting, it doesn’t
matter) and the sky alters its appearance. It moves visibly like a seaman’s
compass. And we are to believe that the one caused the other, that it is our
will, once put into appropriate costume, that floats the stars and the comets,
that summons the clouds with the rain inside them and the imperial thunder. I
meet up with the others after an interminable separation, after the flies have
come and gone in waves that resemble complex musical notation, and I try to
keep silent but the sentences pour from my throat until there are no more unique
combinations available and I am reduced to a kind of bleating that puts
everyone on edge. In the canopy overhead, the macaws heighten the tension through
an off-tempo serenade and when I drift off, my sleep is full of feathers. And
mites. When I wake again, the others have pushed on without me, have left me a
note of apology that begins with a quote by Thomas Jefferson. I suspect they
have invented the quote, the way they have invented all the other parts of the
letter, and I am preparing to light myself on fire as an act of protest and
unyielding despair. But I am out of matches, and besides, whoever heard of this
part of the world anyway? Who would believe the myths that emerge from its
forests like tusked deer? Our entreaties, our laments, are not acts of
desperation, though they are viewed that way, I’m sure, when they gather
together overhead, when they push and shove in the moonlight for position and
wander off in twos and threes for company into the far corners of the cosmos, never
to be heard from again. We ought, then, to label them and sort them, or turn
them into pamphlets that nobody reads. That way, eventually, we’ll have extra
time on our hands to accomplish what we promised ourselves we’d accomplish when
we got around to it. Like erect fences. Or learn to play plaintive airs on the hammer
dulcimer so as to woo the kind of lover that must remain, until such airs are
mastered, entirely theoretical.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
One learns to
continue by continuing, by pushing through the ankle-deep water and the moccasins,
the high decibel ringing that brings others to their knees. The ploy is stolen
directly from Horace, from some ode or another with a rustic backdrop and learning
worn like a knit cap, but it is possible to personalize even this, to shape it
between your fingers until something unique emerges, with corners and
indentations, with a voice like that of someone not yet fully grown. No sooner
do we have him in the ground than Immanuel turns up again, not corporeal
anymore but not entirely without shape or substance either. He hangs around in
the evening when I am trying to sleep and he doesn’t really seem to recognize
me at first, occupying himself instead with wandering about in the mists and
mosquitoes like an afterthought broken free of its moorings in the mind where
the initial thought first emerged as a result of very careful deliberation and
effort. Our rote obsessions owe their existence to rotten luck, to an accident
on the caliber of melting ice when you leave the freezer door ajar or when the
sun finds its zenith over a pond where the turtles have buried themselves in
the mud. Wouldn’t it be something if we had access to a repository and we were
no longer expected to generate either fine or lunatic ideas on our own? We had
merely to operate the accompanying codex properly to find what we want and, of
course, pay a small fee, something perhaps even in barter. Like a bushel of corn
or a gilt frame we previously removed the painting from because it depicted an
elderly man with a sunflower in his hands and we found the depiction
objectionable for reasons we couldn’t quite put into words. Maybe it reminded
us of a time when we too were expected to stand still so that someone we barely
knew could try to capture our likeness in oils or charcoal or dust, and our
trust was violated. Maybe we have grown sick of words the way one person grows
sick of another. Over time, and with little effort. Like looking in a mirror.
It just happens. It just occurs like the generation of oxygen. When Immanuel
first returns, I run as fast as I can, leaping tree roots and culverts in the
dark, anxious to tell Eulalie the impossible news, but she has gone, has packed
up and fled in the middle of the night following the trauma of internment and,
before that, disease, the only traces of her left in the ruins she shared with
Immanuel a pile of broken spectacles and a glove with the fingertips cut out so
as to allow whoever wears it to work with dexterity, to sort and master the
fine gradients of every object that exists on the surface of the planet, or at
least those of a size graspable by the ordinary human hand.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Circles rise to the surface,
exhibit themselves wantonly, and then descend again once they have caught the
attention of those who respond at a visceral level. In the light bouncing then
off the unseen oceans, the red sands and mountain peaks twenty miles away, I
discovered circles everywhere, unearthed them from substances not made of earth
with the persistence of a feral cat stalking chameleons in the treetops or a
Geiger counter sniffing out particular isotopes. A mode of transport yellow in
body and long as an end table, it had wheels of course because how else was it
going to get anywhere? And these I’d turn with my hands and watch turn and see
inside the movement something that is as yet missing from my vision today.
Something mathematical certainly and of the genus of law, but without name or
substance and apt to disintegrate when I looked too closely, hoping to pin it
down on the surface of the retinas and keep it there for future consultation.
But what need have we of that which is beyond the tongue, beyond the
capabilities of the tongue to morph objects that never come in contact with it,
as if effect at a distance is not the purview finally of alchemists dead and
gone but a day to day reality for anyone who can speak? Who can muster enough
words to regenerate that which was swallowed up by time and sunlight and
generate that which has still to solidify around its own marrow, still to take
its first heady steps? Some of the obsessive appeal originated not in the
tactile, not in the rough plastic passing more and more quickly beneath the
fingers, but the sound, a rattling just this side of order-less, without music.
I could alter it, make it sing, generate a primitive phrasing, if I struck it
just so, and the perfecting of this technique accounts for hours during which I
was completely unaware of the concern on the faces of the male presence and the
female presence watching from a window or the front door. The unlocking of patterns,
of mysteries buried deep within the soil by someone secretive and all-reaching
trumps the ordinate kindness to others, the empathy one ought otherwise to
foster as one fosters an appreciation for Hyden or dry wine. And it is
especially so when such circles, such infinite and unwieldy treasures reveal
themselves in earliest childhood and promise to abandon us again in something
clearer than words or phrases. We can see it in the orbit itself, hear it in
the cotter pin and washer beginning to freeze up on the axle from overuse. We
can hear it in the lunatic fury of the birds.
The post-simian figures occupy
space without -- it seems from this distance, at any rate -- moving, without
lifting a leg and then placing it down again somewhere close by or operating
their lips in such a way that words escape them, or at least the facsimile of
words. I stop no higher than the knees of some of these perpetual shadows and
feel at ease for perhaps the one and only time in my life precisely because
they have no faces to decode, no agenda hidden away like gold bullion in
subterranean passageways. All is still within the jurisdiction of my will, a
blueprint I will mislay for many years afterward, only to pick it up again in
middle age. Our systems creak and mutter when placed in operation and we can
almost imagine the steam and smoke rising off them in the morning, the smell
like that of turnips gone bad, but we cling just the same because without the
systems of our own devising, without these grand schemes and philosophical edifices,
our bones are no more than scaffolding and our dreams pile up against the
doorstop like laundry. Many of our dreams look back on a past spent among
dervishes and beaded lizards, our bodies prone on the dry soil and racked with
pains we no longer even have names for. One of the frozen human totems gives
his name to my brother, stands almost directly beneath the sun and if I can
flesh out the countenance at this distance, it is only with the assistance of
tales told between that place and this one, and not the memory which is full of
holes the size of universes. This is a pattern that will persist, will seem at
first to grow weaker over time as if it can’t keep track of its own comings and
goings, but the illusion reveals itself as illusion when I sit down to compose
the melody for a dirge -- something meant to evoke a particular time and place
and the people who occupied that place beside me – and I find myself staring
instead at my socks. Outside the wind arrives from the place where wind
originates and the screens in the windows complain that they too are expected
to make do with next to nothing. Our lives, despite all evidence to the
contrary, evidence we would spend twenty times that one lifetime and a fortune
acquiring if it were possible, belong to empty rooms, and everywhere you turn
there are books with familiar names on the spine and titles and the occasional
picture of someone’s eighteenth century face starting out at you, just as vivid
and haughty as a king’s. And you know that the face will be there every evening
until you turn the book around backwards or upside down so as to assert the
primacy of your own existence, your vision. So as to prove once and for all to
any Hobbes or Rousseau who has the audacity to gaze out at you like that in
spite of the grave that it is you who will be calling the shots now. It is you
who will decide what solidifies and what dribbles away to nothing on the
Earth’s innumerable white hot sands.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
No continuity, no incidents
bleeding into one another with all the ease of open wounds. No wounds
manufactured, but we will allow a blurring of effect, a moving from one space
to another without announcing the move. What reputable mind, what disembodied nerve
fiber even is going to follow our lead? Which mountaintop will leave open space
to place one’s shoes? A presence enters, discolored from rage, her eyes rolling
in her head the way thunder is said to roll by those who do not stand directly
beneath it. You can determine a great deal by examining wavelength when nothing
visible will suffice, by a kind of echo location, but my experience determining
what is real and what merely the workings of some unseen mind not altogether separate
from my own is limited to that which can be gleaned without trying, without
examining each element in the room separately – the wood slats vertical and
obscuring my line of sight when I sit for any length of time. The walls
opposite like egg shell in their fragility. What I wouldn’t do now to populate
the corners, to stuff them full of artificial beasts with startled looks upon
their faces, if beasts and non-human creatures can truly be said to have faces.
Perhaps that entity belongs to us alone because it is, finally, a concept. It carries
with it expectations not just anyone, or anything, can meet. The enraged presence
smears excrement on my legs and my first order of business is to determine not
why (this question has yet to formulate itself even as concerns the passing of
sunlight across and behind closed curtains, or the purpose of the words
bubbling up on my lips lately in meager twos and threes like semi-sociable
beetles or flies) but whose excrement it is. The possibilities number, so far
as I can determine, no more than the number of the inhabitants of what I will
later learn to term the home when I am encouraged to explore it. Certainly,
indignation is called for and mine seems natural as flames or fungus on wood.
It is that which does not follow from what precedes it -- as if the two had no
prior relation -- but which emerges from the substance itself, is born of its
various prior elements reshuffled and reconstituted for purposes no one can
determine. Perhaps they were written out ahead of time, set down on something
like paper so that whoever has need of them in the future will have access. Assuming,
of course, he doesn’t forget where they have been stored in the meantime. In
which cupboard. In the maw of which paired sock in which drawer. Or perhaps
they just happened. They just appeared like light and we are stuck with them the
same way we are stuck with light in the morning when we’d rather have (for a
time, at any rate) the darkness, the impenetrable desolation of the cave.
Sparks demand attention from
those of us composed only partially of flame. We glance and stare and chortle
at our foolishness and then stare again until the retina no longer registers
the thing we are staring at as other. It becomes accustomed to the intensity of
light and treats light, at least until it can be taught to resume its initial
naiveté, as that which is ordinary. That which is expected the way rows of corn
are expected in the field. As are moles and lacewings. A locomotive green and
bulky as a quantity of copper drags behind it cars, one loaded with faux, undifferentiated
coal, and throws ozone onto the basement air where the hairs inside my nose take
hold of it and (or so I conceive it now) fold it over, prepare to place it
permanently in some drab recess of the brain where it will stay forever, dormant
and piecemeal, something set to rise again, say, twenty years later in consequence
of passing storms. We are reminded of those around us by the accident of
objects placed in our way and then recovered, or stumbled upon in likeness. Rarely
in words. Two balding men stand close within the circle cast by the bare bulb
overhead, the one progenitor of the other and as alien to me as are the river
byways of China, the reed beds and the fumbling geese overhead. Their rapport,
obvious even to someone still stumbling on coherence, as it were, in his
pockets, sentences strung high on light posts and out of reach, bears no
resemblance to any I might have with the one I see most days and will later interrogate
on occasion concerning the lesions I spy in heaven and the people apt to reside
there and why water stops its movement at the boundaries of my skin. The train,
barreling repeatedly sideways off the tracks when it has found finally the
speed I desire, builds a hydraulic something inside my chest until I can no
longer breathe. I race for the stairs and the blinding light outside where
everything runs as it is intended. The sun consistent as the minute hand on your watch. The
sidewalk motionless and white as bone. The air there is full of its own as yet undivided
essence and I stand in one place and pull it in and endeavor to break it. To redistribute
the pieces through the infinite concourse of my body. Light and air and body as
one. This lasts maybe a minute, the time it takes to pull a fishhook from your
flesh if it is imbedded more deeply than you might have anticipated. The time
it takes to reorient yourself when you wake from a shallow sleep because
someone knocks on your door or the radio plays music composed of little but abject
familiar phrases repeated over the barest hint of someone striking a tympani.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Tear at the
thatch, set it on fire! Call the rings of Saturn down through incantation and
despair. The sound is grating, a long low wail like that you’d expect of an
animal caught in a snare, the intervals between utterance lessening until there
is no interval at all but infinite continuation. I attempt to capture the
visual equivalent with charcoal on paper bags I carted here from the dump
specifically for this purpose, each attempt rounded at the top and exhibiting
tendencies to splinter at the edges, just as if I had modeled them on multi-cellular
organisms at the dawn of complexity, the very beginning of what we would come
to recognize as the blueprint for our own devious make up. Eulalie is striking
a bell or a bottle or something solid that rings as if it were hollow, calling
to the heavens to witness her grief. There is an enormous gulf between what we
see and what we allow ourselves to keep, what we store away in the memory like
grains. Trying to break through this habit, to untie it and roll it down the
hill, just makes us more susceptible and creates, in the end, the distinct
feeling that we have accomplished nothing whatsoever. We have simply been
standing in place before a mirror and gazing at the odd, isolated strands of
hair that jut out from the temple, that catch whatever draft is in the room and
amplify it. Mimic it the way the waves mimic the beach on which they will
shortly be extinguishing themselves. For my part, I never realized that others
thought it possible to make yourself somehow less than human by studying
navigation, by sharpening quills when you have a typewriter at hand. It was
balmy times, but venomous, the actual sun so far away as to seem like failed
conjecture, a promise made on two hands, only one of which, though, was
lacerated purposefully to produce the blood necessary for the ritual. Now the
bugle is packed up tight and Eulalie throws every other object she comes across
through what would have been a window in previous decades or millennia but is now
simply an orifice, a blank place in a wall that has crumbled some in the rain
and which you might want to write poems about if you were in the habit of
writing poems. If you were encouraged in your youth by those who didn’t understand
the potentially devastating consequences of what it was they were fobbing off
on you. The nights spent picking scabs on your arms. The prizes with names that
make one think of prairie flowers, of dens full of buzzing rattlesnakes.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Inside the
sphere we are constantly bumping into one another, turning our palms skyward as
if to suggest there are alternatives every time. As if to suggest the
boundaries are not as well-defined as we have been led to believe by those whose
job it is to determine the boundaries and make sure they don’t shift. There’s
precious little we can do to prevent movement, though, and the lights remind us
of this when we try. They alternate patterns, they refuse to illuminate certain
portions of the room and my skin reacts by tightening and growing brittle over
stretches around the elbow, below the knee. It reminds me of boutique leather
and I am proud for a while, even taking pictures of it to show other people
should my skin decide to heal itself. No one would believe me then. They would
object in the strongest possible terms. Or else they would simply nod their
heads and continue their conversations about Borneo, about the cheapest ways to
get there. Our days fill up suddenly with voluminous miniature objects like sand,
with rumors having nothing whatsoever to do with sand. We run from these as we
might from a swarm of stinging insects. There is only so far you can go, though,
when the light behind the clouds is not the light you would otherwise expect to
escape from those clouds should they break or should there be no clouds in the
first place. All of which suggests our feet were not designed for running or
even walking very far. They were designed, I’m sure, for some other less
daunting activity, and when I study them on other people, as opposed to when I
study my own, I come to the same conclusion pretty much every time – our feet
were meant to hang limp beneath us when we fly. If this conjures fairy tales
and myths with griffins in them, so be it. I can’t be held responsible for what
other people believed before I got on the scene. Their attempts at making the
eye the arbiter, the mind the axis of the cosmos, were entirely successful, I’m
sure, and deserving of the same sort of grudging respect we offer qualified
umpires. But with success comes the equivalent of legal documentation, wills
and subpoenas, and a tendency to say things in a way that no longer appeals to
those you are speaking to. As a consequence, they lower their eyes if they are
polite, thumb their noses at you or spit in your direction if they are not, and
resume whatever it was they were doing before you arrived. Cultivating certain
questionable grains. Holding hands or throwing dice against a dried mud wall where
a handful of hungry curs look on, sharing apparently in the ancient
understanding of their race that dice mean bone and bone is lucky as any number
you choose to carve into the face of it. Bone is the future promising you something
bold, something of consequence like transformation, like finally getting what you’re
owed, all by way of an otherwise truly merciless past.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
An ice giant
finds its visage under the noisy blade of a chain saw, its creator meticulous
and clothed only in burlap and cured hides. Spectators arrive, some of them by
bus, but mostly on foot on unseen trails through the forest thick on either
side of the highway here like insulation. Their eyes are wide and their faces
drawn, the wind whipping through them like rumors, and the Styrofoam containers,
crushed and angular, tumble past their feet in threes and fours. All along the
highway I kick the cairns over when I find them, scatter the bits and pieces
with the toe of my boot. Vengeance, I’m sure, for something I can’t remember,
an insult delivered via pigeon, a deep recess in the center of my person filled
almost entirely now by shadows and bone spurs, by the physical remnants of whoever
else I was supposed to be. Later, at taverns with names lifted wholesale from
some earlier century and some other continent, I’ll explain it with my finger
cocked sideways, nearly dislocated, and the froth on my lips redoubling itself every
tenth syllable as if it had been given directives. As if it were the portion of
the soul that insists on visibility despite a very long tradition to the
contrary. I recall a time when everyone was attempting to compose an epic with
giants at the center, when they compared notes and studied at the trade school
library which was the best in the vicinity then and allowed you to smoke inside
provided you kept your distance from those who registered their displeasure with an
audible clearing of the throat or a glance cast in your direction so full of menace
there could be no mistaking it. There was a great deal of debate then
concerning how much pride was too much pride as represented in these figures
with their molars like mahogany tables and their eyes squinted shut, and there
was a great deal of debate concerning what was the best way to depict all this
without succumbing yourself to the vice in question. Immanuel was lucid then, a
man with a nose like a rivet and a deep and abiding love for the female form in
all its manifestations -- even the stone columns at the edge of town referred
to as the sisters and featured in more than one young adult novel of the time
in which someone disappears and then reappears again but is not the same
person. We would scale the sisters come midnight, Immanuel reciting verses of
his own invention or those of Auden having to do with the impenetrability of
time. I’ve looked for them since, tried to unearth them so as to bring him back
with their recitation, at least for a moment, to make him hear and acknowledge
them (and me) from the other side, but I can’t find them. Perhaps they were
never by Auden in the first place, or Stevens or Ahkmatova in translation.
Maybe they were bits and fragments of a recipe he was trying to memorize for
reasons of his own or directions to the post office the next town over and his
saying them out loud settled in my head as verse simply because everything then
was verse, because the world itself had yet to solidify, and it still hasn’t;
it still squirms around beneath my feet like nominative accusatives or squid.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Twice the
vacuum stalls and leaves its contents dropping unceremoniously toward earth and
twice those within earshot hear the accompanying groan, the rattling of metal
utensils and the mild cursing under the breath as if the more virulent kind
might be expected to call from the cupboards vaguely menacing supernatural
entities of the sort perfected in Japanese cinema. My watch follows the same
pattern the universe does, as near as I can tell, with the second hand getting
caught on occasion on the cusp of the five. Not because that structure juts
out, but because the interior gears are defective. They have been rubbed smooth
in places by overwork. They are the victims of a shoddy design. When the urchin
requests possession of my watch, I am startled for a moment, then properly
outraged and only later admiring of the spirit that allowed him to approach.
That said in his ear, “All things are possible. You are a Titan among canaries.”
Clearly, by this line of reasoning, the urchin’s word is law. I follow along
behind him for a while because I have nothing else to do and I suffer sometimes
from the delusion that people can’t see me. Or if they can see me, what they
see is not the same thing as who I am. This undoubtedly leads to further troubling
symptoms and explains for instance that period of time (already touched upon)
when I thought I was an egg. To be honest, I still think that but only because
I recognize that my body is the perfect host for the incubation of both disease
and that which cures disease, the pestilence and the unguent. Reason is a part
of the mind no bigger than your thumb and rests on the longitudinal axis, leery
of raising itself much like the turtles you see at the zoo. When it is forced
into action, it pollutes the area all around it out of spite, casts its garbage
and its detailed notes taken on the equivalent of paper all over the ground and
leaves them there for others to pick up. I know this is difficult to follow, to
condone, but If you believed at some point that you were an egg, and then you
stopped believing it, for whatever reason, there would still be a part of you
reluctant to embrace the new image, the one that corresponds to what you see in
the mirror or the water of the pond past which you happen to be strolling. The
question is which part is the more truthful one and why? Which part represents the
functional self and which the soul, a term wildly out of favor at the moment
but destined to make its return? I don’t know the answer to that question and I’m
pretty sure the question itself has been borrowed or stolen numerous times from
someone who knew the answer but refused to share it with us because he recognized
that the answer was liable to distract him from the real task at hand. Namely,
the completion of his symphony or his colossal philosophical system (which
amounts to the same thing) – that overwhelming entity that seems to us now, if
we are aware of it at all, bloated and of passing interest only to the occasional
scholar who studies it in youth before stumbling upon her true passion, a perhaps
more modest work created by someone else truly deserving of her time.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Later, the pieces of flesh have
been put back where they started. The centering gives way to shifting from one
foot to another and then the sky recedes like memory. I stand at the other end
of the table, certain the objects laid out between us are meant to suggest
something in the aggregate, to add up to a message like that one finds
sometimes in a book pulled from the shelves at random in the library. Something
scribbled in the margins, a statement or a question that addresses a need one
has without ever before realizing it. That conjures it out of mid-air simply by
stating that need in sentences half Gaelic and half English. Or fragments, it
doesn’t matter. A high-toned whistling continues somewhere far off and makes us
think of the inner workings of machines that haven’t been invented yet, that
divide the air from the particles in the air and separates them out into a
hundred different varieties, all for the purpose of reassembling them again at
a later date and placing them in bottles with hand-written labels. I, for one,
am sick at heart and ready to follow the game trail through the forest until it
comes to a clearing and then see for myself what sort of structures have been
built there, examine them carefully by the light of a torch. Most of these will
have crumbled, ravaged by time and picked over by those in need of supplies. I
imagine rooms one must climb by hand to reach and in the corners of these (assuming
there are corners still) a child’s drawing of the family on yellowed paper. It
looks strangely familiar, as if generated from my own past, but I know the past
is something that doesn’t generate, that doesn’t so much as twitch the skin
under its eyes. We have an hour to make it to the next destination and her
panting suggests we will need that much and more, but still, I linger. I
address people who are no longer among us, who have stepped off the platform
and plunged down toward whatever lies beneath the platform without making much
of a sound. Sometimes you could hear a whimpering, or a noise very like
whimpering without the excess fear attached. I mistook it usually for
commentary made by the wild creatures that occupied the adjacent hillside. The hares
and the goats and the marmots mostly, those diminutive things that glanced disdainfully
at us out of the corners of their eyes.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
The phrase suggests a process contemplated
beforehand, taken up and twisted in the hands and made to look finally like
some sort of animal. A giraffe, say, without the ungainly spots. It follows the
speaker around like his shadow so that people he has never met before comment
on it in uncomfortably loud voices and the echoes return from up the street
where they have been lingering with others of their kind on the front stoop of
an antiques store that will be going out of business within the month. Our
personalities congeal around a central axis – a core belief or something traumatic
witnessed in youth – and add layers at regular intervals until you can’t see
anymore what the edifice stands on, how it keeps from disintegrating in the breeze.
This causes those without personalities to chuckle under their breath but they
forget almost immediately what they thought what so amusing and revert back to
an innocence frequently written about by classical Chinese authors but rarely
documented. Before I turned the corner, I didn’t believe anyone could live like
that, with their eyeglasses, cracked and filmy, perpetually in their hands, and
their minds always turned forward, scanning the horizon in hopes of discovering
there some type of illumination you’d otherwise have to pay top dollar to
acquire. In books with Latin titles. In seminars where the director is
promising to swim to the bottom of the sea on a single breath or climb a ladder
using only his left hand (and, of course, both feet). Eulalie makes a great
show of her patience, of choosing to behave in ways that would ruin a lesser
being, would put them in the hospital because they don’t know where else to go.
They can’t imagine a home with actual paintings on the wall, with a furnace
that gives off sufficient heat. When I’ve had enough, when the very sight of
her reminds me of black and white newsreel footage of American soldiers using
flamethrowers on unnamed Pacific islands, I head out into the night with its low
and unfamiliar bird calls and its single filament spider webs flung across the
road at eye level and I walk until the road turns into another road and the
only way you can tell this has happened is by listening to the sound the gravel
makes beneath your shoes, taking careful note of the shift in timbre, the
telltale rise or drop in tone that announces to anyone in the vicinity who is
prepared to listen -- who knows what exactly to listen for -- that you are walking
now due south.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Some day, I
know, she will taste like medicine, the kind you take for various ailments of
the joints and skin. Until that time I will lobby for extended hours and bring
with me cocktails pre-made and sold on the corner for whatever currency you
might have in your pockets. German marks. Palm oil in bottles. We act as if the
sun has only recently been invented, something provided us in exchange for
fifteen minutes on one knee, or ten on both. Our fingers seem to grow longer
before they retreat in on themselves again in barely perceptible fashion. If you
are not paying strict attention, you will miss it. You will speak to others of
things that are no longer of interest to them because they have been paying
attention and they know what’s at stake. Nothing short of the re-invention of
the human. The talking it down from middling heights. Eulalie is thoroughly
childlike in her grief, prone to wander about the grounds (such as they are)
for hours at a time, sucking on her thumb and whimpering. Occasionally she will
let loose with a guttural wail, followed closely by a tune that lodged itself
in her brain during her formative years. In, I don’t know, Idaho. Or Saigon. Or
the back lot of some Hollywood studio that has long since gone bankrupt, its
oft-seen assets parsed out like wrapped candy. I try to memorize the tune so as
to be able later to join her in at least this much of her grief -- a stone path
at the border, a membrane only as wide as my feet -- but the tune is
complicated and after a day or two of trying, I begin to suspect that she is
re-inventing it each time through, or, worse yet, creating it on the spot in a
deliberate attempt to throw me off, to make me look foolish. Funny how we
become convinced of things that can not be proven but remain forever skeptical
of that which may be demonstrated in no uncertain terms, can be traced from its
origins to its conclusion and fleshed out in between by someone with little
more than a paintbrush and a tray of acrylics. Or a background in cosmetology,
so long as that background included a smattering of rhetoric and metaphysics
just in case you found yourself coiffing the unruly head of a scholar. I try to
brush the insult off as best I can primarily because I am not entirely sure it
is an insult and I envision the future with Eulalie in it even though I know
there is no future, as such, and envisioning it only succeeds in reducing its
parameters from nothing to less than nothing – a figment of an imagination that
was obviously poverty-stricken to begin with. Or a negative sum taken to the
fourth decimal place. Because the third is too close to the second and so smacks
of something as darkly anti-Pythagorean as compromise.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Sunlight pours
into one corner of the room through an aperture where, at some point, there
must have been a window, or the equivalent of a window, but where now birds
make their nests and enormous blue spiders patrol when the birds are not
present. In the other corner lies Immanuel, mostly bones now, huddled up in a
blanket and narrating adventures that no one will ever be able to decipher,
though Eulalie has spent hours and days taking down his babbling in shorthand,
and then trying to coax out and unravel any thread of coherence afterward when
he has lost all consciousness again and grows silent. For my part, I understand
the urge, sympathize with it more than I let on and gather bits and pieces of
what I’ve heard to keep me occupied later. To serve as a kind of seed, I
suppose, as a means of getting started. We listen to the utterance of others
with barely concealed disdain, speak to them as if they had never yet said a
word to anyone, and when similar treatment is given us we have the nerve to act
mortified! We say the sky is falling in. Or we imply it by the way we look at
the sky, the way we arch our necks backward and point our chins in the general
direction we’d like those we are standing before to look. Another possibility,
something else to be communicated in that moment because something must be
communicated, is that the floodwaters are on the move and they will swallow us
up within the hour, but the pantomime necessary to convey such information is
so complicated, is rife with undulations of both hands, fingers together, and a
strange cackling sound originating in the back of the throat, we give up before
we have even started. Eulalie says this would be a bad thing, catastrophic
even, if what we had predicted indeed came true. But nothing comes true.
Everything lingers in the background, half-formed and poorly realized, just so
many abstract patterns sketched with the non-primary hand. The one you hold at
your side mostly when the other one is accomplishing what needs to get
accomplished. Brushing the hair. Saluting those who you imagine outrank you on
a scale of your own devising. That they are not familiar with this scale, that they
can’t even conceive of someone’s inventing a scale when one is not necessary,
goes without saying, though once you do say it, everyone looks at you as if you
were in the habit of walking octopi on a leash. There can be little doubt that
this scale and the lack of knowledge by others of its existence is responsible
for the bewildered reactions on the part of those who have been saluted. Best
just to explain yourself later, in the bathroom mirror, when no one is looking.
When you have gone there by yourself and left the conversation at the bar
behind, and the songs in the speakers overhead -- made louder now by the new
proximity of these overhead speakers and the sudden diminishment of the sounds
of the conversation at the bar created by the swinging shut of the bathroom
door behind you -- are reminiscent of a time and place you’ve read about
previously, and most certainly seen in the movies or on tv, but which for all
that remains as alien to you finally as does the inside of someone else’s
luggage.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Concealing
yourself inside the barrel is preferable to tottering down the mountain pass in
hushpuppies, your vision altered permanently for the worse by the angle of the
sunlight and your tendency to rub your knuckles into your eyelids before they
are completely closed. My jacket, in the meantime, makes claims across the
back, sports letters placed there in complete sentences with a steady hand and
a warm iron or a great deal of gold thread, but I can’t remember who might have
alerted me to this fact initially. It could have been the man who used to live
above me and who was forever sailing paper airplanes down onto the heads of passersby
and whistling bits of Iolanthe in
such a way you got the distinct feeling he believed he had somehow invented them,
he had pulled the tunes out of the convoluted matter inside his skull. When I
would quiz him on the particulars, he stated that he didn’t believe in free
will. In fact he didn’t believe in will at all, but rather a force very like it
with the difference being this force (for which he was still hoping to find a
suitable moniker) affected nothing but itself. It inflated itself and sketched
itself in a mirror on a regular basis and every now and then it would transform
as if by magic and proper planning both into its exact opposite, much the way certain
microscopic life forms can, when necessary, turn themselves completely inside
out. So as to escape predators, I suppose. Or demonstrate their superior
flexibility to those other life forms that just happen to occupy the water
column next to them and that can’t really see what’s going on because they
haven’t developed rudimentary eyes yet. This means the entire enterprise is
wasted on them, but not on us. Maybe -- I used to say to him when I wished to
cause a scene or simply to exercise the tendons in my jaw because my jaw was
sore at the time and prone to lock up on me and cause unbearable pain,
something which I, of course, wished to avoid through these preventive calisthenics
-- maybe the movements we witness are random, while at the same time they are intended
somehow to illustrate and confirm that all random movements are not the same. Some
of them carry with them a definitive meaning, a theme, much the way horsemen tend
to carry blankets around with them even when they are not riding a horse. This
is especially true in those desert communities you can find just south of here
where travelling by foot is seen as a badge of great honor because the
distances to be covered are so enormous, and the time for covering them has all
but come and gone.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Somewhere in the thicket empty
bottles sing in the wind. We barter for necessities with iron goods and
villanelles composed on the spot, expecting a response somewhere between awe
and condescension. We get nothing of the sort. Just more lists with items on
them we do not recognize. Actions requiring little investment of time and no
resources whatsoever. I begin to suspect a conspiracy and elbow those closest
to me in the ribs so as to catch their attention, but none of them is
interested in what I have to say. The replica triremes are anchored in the
harbor and the wait is already closing in on half a day to tour them. Time is of
the essence. Kia, duly transformed and enormous now, breathing fire, crawls her
way up the outside of the belfry where the monk has hidden himself beneath the
bell, thinking, no doubt, that whatever he has seen previously in his dreams he
has seen for some reason, that his dreams are harbingers of good fortune and
ought therefore to be paid strict attention to, at least until something better
comes your way. Something involving innocuous flying insects, butterflies, say,
in the meadow, and narcotics. The additional weight brings the structure down and
there is a conflagration sufficient to melt flesh, human or otherwise. Imagine the
panic inside that bell! The realization of something too late and the white hot
dome. For years afterward, the story makes its rounds, serves as warning and
edification in spite of its own very different aesthetic aspirations. Eulalie
says to me once we have finished, once we have found our way satisfactorily to a
conclusion, Your tendons are showing, Bucket! Your malleability seems to have
reached its tensile limits! What I wouldn’t do for an hour straight of that
laughter, the genuine good humor originating in the oft-beleaguered spleen! The
skies close in overhead, become a carp belly replica of themselves and remind
us both that the time for recitation is over and the time for invention has yet
to begin. In the meantime we might as well chew our leaves. Those with
medicinal properties, those possessing compounds sufficient to make the mind
transport itself elsewhere for the remainder of the evening and which Eulalie
keeps wadded up in the front pocket of her overalls whenever she chooses to
wear overalls, as opposed to something elegant like that strapless blue number
that causes my flesh to stand on end the second I lay eyes on it, but makes for
enormously slow going – so she informs me later -- whenever she is traipsing
through the forest that permanently separates the place where she lives from the
place where I do. Or at least that place where I tend, for now, a fire and,
down the hill, a patch of wild thyme and blackberries.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
When he makes his final decision
and disappears, Kia follows him across the river. Some say in the guise of a
serpent, others by way of the bridge. Eulalie wonders if perhaps these are two
different ways of saying the same thing, of following your words to the edge of
the verbal or cognitive equivalent of a sinkhole, say, and then purposefully separating
them out according to weight and age and abiding by those most likely to repel
the advances of their peers. Those most likely to stand erect and dignified while
the rest sniff at each other’s tails and bound off together through the
thickets and the underbrush until you can’t see or hear them any longer and their
very existence becomes, in very short order, the stuff of legend. That night,
what the monk sees is colored no doubt by what he has read, the tracts and
commentary running thousands of pages and offering when all is said and done
next to nothing by way of insight or practical application. Just a vain sort of
listing like that birds, I’m sure, are capable of if you were to give them
objects and simple commands in a laboratory setting. I like to believe he
thought he was dreaming, that the diamond eyes and flames emerging from (forgive
me) scaly nostrils might have seemed to him perfectly reasonable in the kingdom
that flourishes under the ceiling of sleep, but out here, among the fences and the
abandoned refrigerators, among the shadows cast by people strolling past,
sometimes hand-in-hand on the sidewalk, the light posts leering behind them,
the night sky above littered with divine semicolons, we are constantly overrun
by horror and so must learn eventually to take it in stride. To take it with
skepticism even of the sort that those who make their living writing stories
for the newspaper or the legitimate cinema wish would dry up, would blow away
on the wind and disintegrate in the rain. Eulalie likes the idea of placing the
bell on the grounds themselves, in an ornate belfry where the monk can run and conceal
himself. This will cause us to have to go back and alter the beginning, I argue
-- apparently unpersuasively -- convinced that a certain unity of effect is
still the best approach and worried about what we might have claimed at the
outset. But really, we ought just to be satisfied with remembering there was an
enormous bronze prop in there somewhere and just do as we will. This has been
Eulalie’s approach to the endeavor from the beginning, indeed to the whole of
her existence, one which she has tried for decades now to instill in me, and
maybe, finally, for once, it is starting to take root. It is binding obstinate soils
together decisively and thus allowing whatever runoff happens to inundate the
vicinity -- think crackpot ideas, think those depressingly familiar get rich
schemes and the conspiracy theories I can rattle off in their hundreds -- to
pass right through rather than gathering those loose soils and transporting
them, dispersing them over enormous (and, almost by definition, anonymous)
alluvial plains.
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