The
suitors aren’t ready for the noises in the walls, the reptiles issuing from crevices
in numbers not previously seen unless you count the time when the climate had shifted
slightly and the day lengthened by an average of twelve minutes so that there
was time enough for breeding and time enough for the reports to get filed. A
rare combination indeed, but when you factor in the questionable advice and the
people stacked up like off-brand china on either side of the boulevard, you get
one of those impossible to predict and impossible to replicate moments that put
me in the mood, nine times out of ten, for an aperitif. That remind me my
middle name is the one most apt to cause me difficulty, even mortal danger,
when we return to the town on the mountain and find that some others in the vicinity
have co-opted it and have tarnished it ruthlessly over the two or three decades
since we left. Now there are scores to settle and the possibility, however
remote, that I will never again see the banks of my beloved Ganges, will never
again be able to wind surf on the Mediterranean among what you first assume to
be boulders but which begin to look suspiciously like sea turtles or even mermen
as your speed increases and your imagination does everything it can to keep up,
to keep from being rendered obsolete by the more urgent requirements of the
body. Like digestion. And that thing that happens just before digestion, but
just after the visible world has turned into a two-dimensional replica of
itself. Maybe chemistry is to blame for this disturbing phenomenon and maybe
there is not enough blame to go around because whoever is in the business of
manufacturing blame hasn’t realized yet the enormity of the task at hand. The headwinds
to be conquered and the mountain peaks and the cardboard boxes in which you
conceal your liquor as if you were an eighty-six year old man and you have
forgotten how to determine what a loved one’s facial expressions mean. Oh, you
have some inkling because of your training as an artist, the hours spent
rendering still lifes in charcoal and pencil lead, the pieces of fruit gone rotten
at the edges and drawing gnats, the underside of bridges where the rivets seem
as big as your hand. But all of that barely adds up to a complete geometrical
figure. A rhombus, say. Or its numerical equivalent such as that which (when it
is applied liberally to precious metals, to gold and amethysts) makes certain
people of your acquaintance completely independent of the vicissitudes of the
heavens overhead. That convinces them they can journey out into the heart of
the open sea on little more than a raft and expect to survive that journey, expect
to wash ashore three months later looking very little the worse for wear. Sporting
a beard, maybe, at worst. Licking obsessively at the corner of their lips where
the flesh has not so much worn away or disintegrated as it has transformed
itself into something less pliable than it used to be, something less likely to
let itself get pushed around by the salt and the sun and its heat.
The Book of Objects
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Much of the furniture has been broken
and some of it burned but there is no one you can complain to because almost everyone
in the vicinity is wielding broadswords and something tells me they are not made
of cardboard. Clearly, they have been forged by an expert smith and decorated
along the blades with designs that suggest a more than passing interest in
numerology, something Eulalie herself comments upon after she has left for a
week and then chooses not to return. She writes instead on stationary colored
and scented of lemons. Her hand is sprawling and ostentatious and I wonder for
a moment whether or not she has hired someone else to write it or her. Lately, Eulalie
has the money to hire strangers to perform almost any action she wishes though
no one seems to be able to account for how she got the money or what she
intends to do with it now that she has it. I suspect a scam like that she ran
in the Dominican Republic once that involved forging historical documents of questionable
value or marginal interest. She could have made a fortune then, of course, had
she gone for something more sensational, like an alternative Magna Carta or the
missing pages of the Gospel of Mark, but she worried notoriety would undermine
her operation too quickly, and besides, who wants to pursue the obvious? Why
spend all your time chasing trends that someone else created when you could just
as easily be creating them yourself? At least this was the question as Eulalie
formulated it when she was still deep in the quagmire of despising pretty much every
other person on the planet, a habit that arose, I believe, from the fact that
she was unable to identify anything she could point to that distinguished her finally
from them. The passages all lead in the same general direction and the poor
lighting is not so much hindrance as invitation. Just the sort of thing to make
you wish you had been born in a cave with the whip scorpions and the blind
catfish as boon companions. That way, when people wrote your biography after
you were dead (for what’s the good in writing it beforehand?), they’d have to
do so as a collaboration because the single angle is guaranteed to obscure the
view when it originates so deep underground. It will make the world seem linear
and obscure and full of creatures that make a high thin menacing sound whenever
they flit past your temples or when they scurry occasionally over the tops of your
feet. Despite what some might claim to the contrary, I don’t care that no one
is occupied with documenting my life. I’m a little unsure as to whether what
has happened to me and what I have in turn caused to happen even actually fit,
in totality, the definition. My life is more like a sketch really that someone started
in the margins of an otherwise mediocre graphic novel, a sketch with two or
three stick figures circling ominously on themselves and a rudimentary moon hung
in the corner for effect.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
You
can have your well-groomed protagonists stumble into any number of occupied
rooms, you can have them paint snails in florescent colors and reveal their
scrotums, but the door – the enormous door, that is, the crucial door I have
been searching a quarter of the world over for because I dreamt once it existed
and I became convinced, not because it was in a dream or because I give any
particular credence to dreams but because I am easily convinced, because I take
immediately to heart the slimmest or most circular of arguments and the flimsiest
bit of evidence – the door is not going to appear suddenly through the use of techniques
such as these. You’ll say that doesn’t matter because the door doesn’t exist
and I’ll be forced to agree with you. But, at the same time, I’ll be whittling away
at pieces of driftwood the neighborhood kids bring me routinely because there
is a rumor I have a fortune and will pay cash, upwards of five hundred dollars,
for random pieces of junk whenever such junk sparks my imagination. This
happens so frequently I am, as a result, inundated and must fight my way to the
surface, to the outside world, so that it is no exaggeration to suggest that my
life is in danger! I have been within millimeters of suffocation at least three
times before! When the cemetery begins to flood, the last of those who have
come to illegally unearth their forebears, to whisk them away to a resting place
on higher ground, drop their picks and their shovels and they wail at the moon
as if they expect to find some condolence there when, in fact, to this point,
there has been only silence. A serenity almost mocking in its infinitude. But
what do you expect from something so far away it took us a thousand generations
to tame? And even then, we did so only at our own peril, one or two at a time,
strapped to devices that look now, all these years later, like antique wash
tubs or the inventions of a visionary Chinese author from the distant past,
inventions the precise use for which has been swallowed up by the significant differences
between the language he composed in and the one we use today when we are
reading, or just pretending to read. I am all for broadening the focus, for
shifting ideas back to their root and origin, but what if the ideas are ideas
in name only and when you cut them apart, you find inside merely a kind of
blackness, the non-human equivalent of a blank stare? What if they aren’t even tangible
the way potatoes are said to be tangible, which means, I suppose, you can hold
them in your hands?
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Too frequently we start from a
location that has already been created, has been forged of something like iron
but without the secondary qualities and the increased chances of rust. I attempt
to identify through cross-reference my own particular origins using an appendix
in a hefty textbook from a past course of study I pursued in accounting, and
then, when that doesn’t work, I file it under a heading I promptly forget, but
it doesn’t matter. Everywhere you turn there are like substances and like phenomena
and trying to differentiate between them will only lead you to something very
similar to mental collapse. Or away from it should you already be in the
vicinity. Eulalie takes the cup proffered and encourages me to do the same but
I am leery and I’m not precisely sure why. Certainly poison crops up in my
thoughts more frequently than it ought, and my attempts to rid myself of it
just increase the instances until I spend at least twelve to eighteen of the
finite hours in a week obsessing over who has had access to what I put in my
body and who has had access to my body itself and what the overlap suggests.
The man pulls a framed photograph down from the shelf and we pass it around as
if it contained a psychotropic substance of the sort that causes benevolent
hallucination involving forest creatures, say, not yet altered through the
taste of blood, sailing vessels approaching on a bay that stretches eighty miles
in either direction and reminds us that it’s not possible to see beyond the
curvature of the earth without the use of specialized equipment and an imagination
such as Dante possessed when he was first learning to speak but hadn’t yet met his
Beatrice. When he didn’t yet view the world the way we do when we have suffered
a lesion on the prefrontal cortex due to a skiing accident, perhaps, or just an
ordinary mutation in the genes that help configure that particular portion of
the gray matter. The woman in the photograph attempts a smile, but her head is
tilted toward the earth and her eyes are averted and you can tell she has been
told previously one or two very brutal things by this man who has presented us with
the picture as if nothing were out of the ordinary, things that would alter the
very texture of your skin should you hear them. Would turn your skin, in fact,
into just the sort of pale imitation it appears to be in this or any
photograph. A facsimile, a poor, reverse-engineered replica that, if you were
possessed of it instead of the skin you were actually born in, you would suffer
to the very end of your days from tremors and phantom pains and a sense that
whatever is outside is painstakingly trying to make its way in.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Adrift again under a zodiac like no
other, one uncharted by those who had gone before because they lacked the basic
tools necessary -- the implements for making circles on paper and stabbing your
friends with playfully and not so playfully, the protractor with its
conspicuous voids at the center -- we began to realize the false world itself was
a mere construct, a mechanism through which we attempted to escape enslavement by
an entity that contoured information into the semblance of a world so as to
keep us in one place, subservient and satisfied, content. The waves battered
the craft at irregular intervals and threatened to swamp the whole mess now and
then, the sound they made like the sound of nothing turning inevitably into
something, transforming itself through the assistance of whole numbers and
footnotes, the treble clef. By the time sleep came, it was no longer a relief,
but a second burden and a form of decay, a means of being in two places at the
same time without the benefit of experiencing either one. Odd, how our patterns
are not really patterns at all when viewed from above, through eyes inhuman in
that they do not and can not belong to us; they’re not really even eyes when
you get right down to it, not cellular or reflective in any way. What we call
patterns are, rather, random shapes and inclinations like those that afflict
the song birds in the fields across the street, causing them to change
locations innumerable times throughout the day, to flit from one dead strand of
vegetation to another without purpose or benefit made obvious to the observer. My
heels ache with the loss of practice, the surface of the earth like broken pottery
and the distances covered similar to those you’d expect of languages or migratory
waterfowl so long as they aren’t arriving from Ethiopia, a location chosen simply
to illustrate an outlying logical possibility and not to forge a political
statement of questionable taste. The man is at the door before we are, his forearms
banded with muscle and wound tight upon themselves as if he had distilled them
down from another essence, a novel concept governing anatomy discovered in the
pages of a magazine that otherwise includes commentary on the niceties of theosophist
thinking and the proper seeds to plant come spring. He will not look me in the
eye and I know before either one of us is given the chance to speak that he
holds me accountable, that he believes I have somehow turned this particular
pestilence loose upon the land and even if I am here to rectify the situation,
his forgiveness is not forthcoming. It is locked away in the cellar of the
organ that rubs occasionally against the bones in his chest and it will perish
there unlit and unseen, a mere rumor, really, failing, as all rumors must, by
definition, to transcend its hopeless situation and stand upon the semantic
equivalent of a ridge overlooking both the named and the unnamed valleys that
are laid out below it, orderly and inviting in the dishonest light originating
with what at one time were stars but are now (now that we have seen them up
close with our own eyes and have suffered the unpleasant consequences) merely
conglomerations of methane and hydrogen gas morphed, for our convenience, into
unquenchable flame.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The heads carved from stone
appeared at first glance the handiwork of their ancestors, totemic reminders of
human agency from the very beginning of habitation, but we were assured this was
not the case, that their cosmos was a self-governing entity or field and there was
no causation as we normally understand it, no first this and then something
else, but an entity forever unfolding within itself on the vertical axis. It took
two weeks to communicate this properly, though, and during most of that time we
made the forgivable mistake of praising the ingenuity of their forebears, the
vision that allowed them to rework misery, the iron-choked cisterns and the innumerable
broken toes, into something that changed the subject, that denied all subjects
but the one deemed most worthy of discussion by their effeminate elders and
thus, by definition, that which was to be frowned upon by the visiting
archeologists or the occasional minister washed ashore and all but insane, his hair grown unruly in the wind and the skin
on his forehead peeling with disease. Who are we, though, to count backwards,
to suggest that the numbers we have used to this point successfully no longer function
the way they were intended? That they belong to an order of existence three
furlongs further east where the residents are terrified of the sound of a
passing locomotive and they attempt to mask their fear with actual masks, with noncommittal
faces worked in alabaster and holes where the eyes go, crow’s feathers hung
(for a time anyway) from the sides with ordinary white glue. The house is like
any other in the region, but for what looks like sod on the roof and the doors here
and there leading into underground caverns. Eulalie waves her arms and the man
sees us from the kitchen window, nods in our direction as if he has had a
premonition of our approach and wishes to acknowledge that we are welcome even
though he doesn’t believe in premonitions. Somewhere, out of sight, hounds bay
with a fury that bespeaks their acquaintance with, if not evil exactly, the closest
thing to it that doesn’t pulse in the light of the moon, doesn’t throw its own light
around as if it were constructed of almost nothing but light, and so has extra
sums to do with as it pleases. Eulalie mocks the bitter wailing with a brand of
her own and I wish for about the thousandth time that I had never met Eulalie,
that our paths had wandered close enough to one another to occupy the same mountain,
say, but had veered sharply at the point of contact, had recognized the
impending catastrophe and had taken it upon themselves to avert that catastrophe
by hurrying off into the vegetation on opposite ends of the mountain where they
would simply peter out and disappear from underuse like metaphysics, or the harpsichord.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
The transmutation of one mineral
into another, or into something completely un-mineral like, take your pick, was
exactly as advertised by those who had told me about it upon my arrival -- with
lightning flashes fifty miles distant and regular updates on the airwaves by anyone
who had access to the airwaves, who had paid their money up front and were
delivered of equipment eighty years out of date. You turned the knobs one way
and you received information from as far away as Spain; you turned it another
and the information you received was no longer really information at all. It was
a bland re-working of stage dramas with names that suggested they took place in
the Ural mountains and examined the everyday lives of everyday people but
delivered nothing of the sort. I pitched my tent close to the outcropping the
locals had named for a legendary pair of lovers who would meet up there nights when
the moon was full and sometimes when it was crescent-shaped, or, as the locals frequently
expressed it,” mimicking the uterus”, until they were discovered by a great,
lumbering aunt of one or the other of them. She (it was said) wagged her finger
in their faces and, when no one paid attention to the warnings she doled out
from that evening forward with such regularity even her own siblings (at any
rate, those who were still living) believed she had gone insane, she cast a
spell that no one was able to break because they didn’t fully understand how it
worked or how exactly it had managed to change the lives of those it had been
cast on. The only difference in the victims was a certain ruddiness of the cheeks
that appeared now and then inexplicably and a tendency to dream about snow
leopards when before they wouldn’t have known what the animals looked like. When
not pouring over old atlases or boning up on my trigonometry, I spent my
evenings there reliving the experience, jotting some of it down in a notebook
that I subsequently misplaced, but the trumpeting like bereaved swans and the
sulfurous aftertaste stay with me to this day due to their novelty and what
I’ve come since to understand was their association with that thing we term the
Ground of Being when we need some entity or some place from which to begin. Someplace
other than our own remembered origins which have the feel to them at this
remove of something invented, something paltry and a little unconvincing like the
plot of a novel, say, or almost any spoken sentence accompanied by tears.
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