A feeling of nausea overcomes me seemingly
from out of nowhere, descends as if it were a falcon or, more accurately, some
other, slower and larger bird more interested in carrion than anything else.
The night sky is full of designs we are compelled to decipher by the thing
inside us that recoils at all random conglomerations, whether of words or facts
or numbers, but I have set out deliberately, at least for an hour or two, to
destroy that part of myself, to fill it in with the rational equivalent of
concrete so as not to have to spend the rest of my life arguing for the
reinstatement of sophistry as a legitimate legal profession, the wringing of one’s
hands in the face of decisions that might otherwise seem on the face of them
mundane. When to fill the dirt bikes with gasoline, when to stand at the window
and, out of a sense of helplessness I suppose, do deep knee bends or whatever
we call deep knee bends now that we have become much more sophisticated in our
knowledge of the body and what it can endure before giving out, what it can be
expected to accomplish. The chemist who lives across the street with the wife
who whispered something once in my ear that I could not make out but which has
ever since kept me up at night as I try, naturally enough, to piece those
incomprehensible sounds together into a comprehensible whole, looks the
contraption over, runs his fingers along the more elegant lines that just happen
to have emerged during the haphazard fashioning of it over the course of weeks
and months and years and says he has heard there are islands out there where
the people are no longer human in the strictest sense of the term, where they
have evolved or devolved one into the basest replicas, into ideas with flesh
and blood covering and little else. His monologue reminds me of the time when I
was stuck on an elevator by myself and the hours ticked by and before I knew
what had happened, the elevator had turned into
a cathedral whose endless stained glass windows depicted its bearded and
taciturn saints standing perfectly still for some reason in tide pools, among
brilliant yellow anemones and the occasional octopus, its tentacles wrapped lasciviously
around an ankle and its eye peering out at you with something like impertinence
and something like love. Not that love which joins one being to another,
however briefly, but that which endeavors to annihilate all distinctions, all
boundaries between beings and make of them a single indefinable entity like
light or what some people refer to as universal gravitational pull when what
they really mean is that thing that encourages them to keel over lifeless in
the streets.
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