By January I’m thinking the space
between us too enormous to traverse, a wilderness with nothing at the center,
not so much as a handful of fig trees. There is no point in coming up with a
name because the name too would be swallowed up, would disappear forever on the
blank synapse and the collapsed brick wall. But who can help himself when faced
with something that needs to be referred to? Needs to be distinguished from
others of its kind? I become convinced Eulalie has set out in the direction
from which we originally came, and as soon as I can figure out which direction
that is, as soon as I can find my bearings amid the overgrowth and the obelisks
and the vines, I’ll follow suit. In the meantime, I have recklessly at the
steel drum, I run my hands through torn netting in hopes of finding bits of
real silver among the minnow scales and the trailing strands of algae. The
others get drunk in the shadows of the corral. They tell stories of their
sexual prowess and the sexual prowess of the peculiar, five-legged forest
sprites said to inhabit this corner of the world by people who don’t really
believe what they’re saying. They still get their hair cut by professionals.
They still listen to the radio with something like awe as if it had been
invented by extraterrestrials or those saints depicted as travelling from one
place to another on the back of a mule. When you ask them a direct question,
they look away, but you see immediately what they are looking at. The sun. And
if you attempt to hold your gaze there the way they do, the way they are known
the world over for, even being singled out by a Scandinavian publication of
some repute for a feature article written by a man who otherwise spent his days
entirely in basement establishments downing absinthe, the pain will become so
intense you will have no choice but to look away. And the moment you do, the
moment you turn your eyes away from that which is destroying them, is melting
them from without, you are overcome with remorse. With a palpable longing to
gaze at that merciless fiery object again. But you know to do so would be
tantamount to admitting you have committed a crime. And not just any crime, but
one in the category of crimes against humanity because you will have committed
it against yourself. And you are human. You will have treated yourself (and, by
extension, everyone else, especially those who have never heard of you, who
couldn’t even conceive of your having been born and having grown up among
ordinary wicker furniture and clocks on the walls with Roman numerals on them)
as a mere object to overcome, as that which stands between you and a bloodless
apotheosis in light.
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