One channel bluer than the rest,
with less resistance, less water volume and fewer cattails, crops up in the
narrative repeatedly. This is a trap. Don’t get caught in it. Don’t try to
locate the channel on a map of the region because, first, there are no maps of
the region short of those kept in the head and these are notoriously
unreliable. Second, the landmarks will shift on you until you are completely
lost, until you are convinced someone has been manipulating the real-world
equivalent of a game board, and you will be right. To a certain extent. But
that doesn’t lessen the suffering or even make it meaningful. What it does is
turn the picture we have in our minds of the soffits, of planetary drift, into
caricatures to be pawned off on whoever is the next to happen by. Whoever has a
fifty-cent piece in his pocket. I liken the process to that which allows
air-breathing insects to dive a short distance beneath the surface of the water
by trapping bubbles against their legs. Obviously, I’m not shooting for one
hundred percent accuracy here, but the comparison is apt enough to get me
invited back again and again until eventually I become so comfortable the
hostess has to ask me, none too politely, to leave when everyone else has
already made an exit. The moon is high and crooked, leaning to the right, and
the air is so cold you can feel the skin on your face and on your fingers begin
to change shape, to morph and complain. I walk for maybe half an hour before I
realize I am making an enormous circle and turn back, but it’s too late.
Already the sounds in the street, the barking dogs and the oboes on the radio muted
behind closed windows announce the return of something that had only recently
been lost, and you couldn’t say mourned exactly, so much as dissected – turned
into little more than a list that contains maybe twenty items of greater or
lesser complexity. But if that’s not the right channel to follow, which one is?
Which one has the mark of authenticity (a glimmer to it, I suppose, like that
you glimpse on actual bodies of water)? The answer invites something close to fury
when it is delivered. It makes us feel about a thousand years old. But you have
to continue despite all sense of impending obsolescence, of diminishment and
release, because if you don’t, if you abandon the pursuit at precisely the
moment you realize it is a pursuit and not something else, something passive
and therefore obscene, you run the risk of being labeled a dunce, or even a
minor traitor. And, believe me, some of these labels can remain in place for more
than a few days.
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