The purpose in tunneling is to
reach some destination that isn’t marked on your globe, that doesn’t show up
when you close your eyes and repeat certain words over and over again until you
fall into something very like a trance -- except it lacks the mental wallpaper
with eyeballs on it and the sound of oboes. Every third turn brings me to a dead
end and I consider giving up entirely but I remember what the nurse said to me
in the middle of the night when she thought I was in a coma. I am inspired to
continue. There is no question what I remember is not the same thing as what occurred
and that I am deriving my inspiration from something that does not exist. And
yet, how is this any different, finally, from how other people operate? They
get on their hands and knees and they shuffle from one spot to another (all of
it in the mud or on cherry wood floors under overhead track lighting, it doesn’t
matter) and the sky alters its appearance. It moves visibly like a seaman’s
compass. And we are to believe that the one caused the other, that it is our
will, once put into appropriate costume, that floats the stars and the comets,
that summons the clouds with the rain inside them and the imperial thunder. I
meet up with the others after an interminable separation, after the flies have
come and gone in waves that resemble complex musical notation, and I try to
keep silent but the sentences pour from my throat until there are no more unique
combinations available and I am reduced to a kind of bleating that puts
everyone on edge. In the canopy overhead, the macaws heighten the tension through
an off-tempo serenade and when I drift off, my sleep is full of feathers. And
mites. When I wake again, the others have pushed on without me, have left me a
note of apology that begins with a quote by Thomas Jefferson. I suspect they
have invented the quote, the way they have invented all the other parts of the
letter, and I am preparing to light myself on fire as an act of protest and
unyielding despair. But I am out of matches, and besides, whoever heard of this
part of the world anyway? Who would believe the myths that emerge from its
forests like tusked deer? Our entreaties, our laments, are not acts of
desperation, though they are viewed that way, I’m sure, when they gather
together overhead, when they push and shove in the moonlight for position and
wander off in twos and threes for company into the far corners of the cosmos, never
to be heard from again. We ought, then, to label them and sort them, or turn
them into pamphlets that nobody reads. That way, eventually, we’ll have extra
time on our hands to accomplish what we promised ourselves we’d accomplish when
we got around to it. Like erect fences. Or learn to play plaintive airs on the hammer
dulcimer so as to woo the kind of lover that must remain, until such airs are
mastered, entirely theoretical.
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