If I’d seen something in the dust
like toes in shape, the marked pit indentions resulting from nails pressing
downward so as to generate speed when the moon is directly overhead and thus
working against all attempts at camouflage, at succor, I might have decided
then to sit down at the kitchen table and knock out the whodunit that had been
troubling my sleep for weeks, the evidence to be conjured and interpreted by a
private investigator seven feet tall -- the gasoline soaked rags, say, the tube
of lipstick and the incorrectly-strung tennis racket -- floating before my eyes
in otherwise empty space like dust motes or wanton cherubim. The price for uttering
finally what you should have uttered ten minutes before is the same as not uttering
anything at all, which means we are left with a sensation in the chest very
like a bullet wound. And when we try to explain it those who grow concerned,
those who have watched us struggle at the banister as if the banister were made
of feathers and the palms of our hands had broken out in hives, the only words
that come to mind are the words that someone else has forged and then
discarded, has willfully abandoned because they never managed to suit his
purposes. Perhaps they had growths on them like barnacles that all but
disqualified them for use in any but the most self-serving screed of the sort
that gets turned eventually into a play by people who know how to evoke complex
emotions using the simplest of props. A bugle with a dent in it. Another bugle pristine
and bright as polished isinglass but incapable of producing a single note no
matter how forcefully you blow into it. The coop is undamaged, the wiring just
as I’d left it each night the night before and for fifteen years before that,
when the boy had showed an interest finally in what he could do with his thumbs
and that part of the hand that folds over the thumb and so makes it possible for
us to grasp objects, to wield them with intent. He held hammers and mallets
with silent and malicious glee, seemed to be watching the back of my head for
any opportunity that might present itself. In his eyes, on that place at the
center of the iris where what is brewing about inside mirrors precisely what is
occurring outside, you could see a predetermined location on my scalp, and I
knew better than to turn my back on him for more than ten seconds when the
light was failing and the breeze came off the mountains and stirred the dust at
your feet. It was enough to make you believe in spirits, entities diminutive
enough to fit inside those small rotating columns of otherwise invisible air.
And yet they were formidable for all that – ancient and determined to make you
pay for the least misstep, for the arrogance of treading the barren earth
without so much as a nod in their direction. A name whispered as talisman. A
candle left burning the night through on the dresser closest to the
window. The immovable window, the one
that does not tilt in or out, the one covered on the outside in an opaque gauze
mixture of abandoned spider web and organic debris that looks suddenly like it
has been placed there intentionally, it has been left behind as calling card or
marker only the blind could miss.
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