One learns to
continue by continuing, by pushing through the ankle-deep water and the moccasins,
the high decibel ringing that brings others to their knees. The ploy is stolen
directly from Horace, from some ode or another with a rustic backdrop and learning
worn like a knit cap, but it is possible to personalize even this, to shape it
between your fingers until something unique emerges, with corners and
indentations, with a voice like that of someone not yet fully grown. No sooner
do we have him in the ground than Immanuel turns up again, not corporeal
anymore but not entirely without shape or substance either. He hangs around in
the evening when I am trying to sleep and he doesn’t really seem to recognize
me at first, occupying himself instead with wandering about in the mists and
mosquitoes like an afterthought broken free of its moorings in the mind where
the initial thought first emerged as a result of very careful deliberation and
effort. Our rote obsessions owe their existence to rotten luck, to an accident
on the caliber of melting ice when you leave the freezer door ajar or when the
sun finds its zenith over a pond where the turtles have buried themselves in
the mud. Wouldn’t it be something if we had access to a repository and we were
no longer expected to generate either fine or lunatic ideas on our own? We had
merely to operate the accompanying codex properly to find what we want and, of
course, pay a small fee, something perhaps even in barter. Like a bushel of corn
or a gilt frame we previously removed the painting from because it depicted an
elderly man with a sunflower in his hands and we found the depiction
objectionable for reasons we couldn’t quite put into words. Maybe it reminded
us of a time when we too were expected to stand still so that someone we barely
knew could try to capture our likeness in oils or charcoal or dust, and our
trust was violated. Maybe we have grown sick of words the way one person grows
sick of another. Over time, and with little effort. Like looking in a mirror.
It just happens. It just occurs like the generation of oxygen. When Immanuel
first returns, I run as fast as I can, leaping tree roots and culverts in the
dark, anxious to tell Eulalie the impossible news, but she has gone, has packed
up and fled in the middle of the night following the trauma of internment and,
before that, disease, the only traces of her left in the ruins she shared with
Immanuel a pile of broken spectacles and a glove with the fingertips cut out so
as to allow whoever wears it to work with dexterity, to sort and master the
fine gradients of every object that exists on the surface of the planet, or at
least those of a size graspable by the ordinary human hand.
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