A patch of skin no bigger around
than a postage stamp catches the light of the sun like fish scales and sends
the mind back in on itself, searching for that place where this particular
patch glinted previously. Whatever’s down there, though, whatever swirls about
in half-body is not to be trusted, is not to be linked to actual physical entities
in the here and now any more than phrases ought to replace that which they are intended
to depict or modify. You’re better off letting the mind fend for itself
elsewhere. Out in front. On the pavement where the chalk outlines disappear but
slowly in the runoff and the centipedes stagger about stunned and vulnerable in
what passes for light once the sun has dropped behind the cactus and the
chain-link fence that endeavors to surround it. Not that we can pinpoint
precisely in this fashion (this dropping of fauna at strategic edges, in the
margins where otherwise there might simply be straight lines) what we intend to
observe and what we intend to bypass simply by counting the number of digits or
examining the negatives with a magnifying glass and an Exacto knife and certain
Nordic fairy tales ringing in our ears. You could say he was the one
perpetually waiting, on the corner, outside someone’s backdoor and you didn’t
always realize he was there until you turned that corner, you walked out that
door, and came within inches of colliding with him. And you just had time to
think Why didn’t I go the other way? Why didn’t I realize that instinct is that
which is going to get you in trouble the way corn syrup does, the way listening
to the sound of the coyotes howling at night on the ridge keeps you from dreaming
about the consonant letter shapes to be made with the image of the neighbor lady’s
body? Oh, to be nimble as the tongue when used at tangential purposes! Then you
had to flee. An hour after that first glimpse, that moment in which the skin is
something other than the skin and this from across the street with bicyclists
and a light pole in between, it comes to me he is the one who put an insect in
my mouth once, twenty years past like skimming the appendix, who pried my lips
open and jammed it in upon the tip of a single finger and held my head forcibly
still until I consented to chew, to grind whatever species he had happened upon
between teeth at the front otherwise hewn together just moments before so tight
with rage and shame as to preclude their being distinguished by the unaided eye
one from the other – just a mass lacking all geometrical boundaries and nominal
purpose, a shapeless conglomerate of what elsewhere in the body we’d refer to
as bone.
No comments:
Post a Comment