Vermillion robes arrive in plain
brown packages with no return address and a scent like alder. We check the
files and re-check them using a method developed in Manchuria more than a century
ago, and still we come up empty. It’s almost as if the afternoon has somehow
replaced itself with another very similar in appearance but possessing none of
the minor accoutrements we have come to expect
– the pealing of an iron bell originating just beyond the hills on the
horizon, the banter in the back room concerning who stuck whom with which
instrument, the golf club or the porcelain Buddha. I snatch up whatever charity
is forthcoming and bide my time, slink about in the shadows until someone gets
wise and throws the switch that illuminates the entire area, throws into sudden
merciless relief the banister and the
people hiding behind the banister as if they expect at any moment to be crushed
by a falling meteorite or caught out on the evening news in the company of intravenous
drug users with easy to remember names like Bunny or Ron. It isn’t long before
the background music becomes tedious, filled as it is with saxophones and
vocalists lamenting the paper thin walls of the human heart in short, vicious
bursts of language and syncopated gasps not unlike those you would expect of a man
suddenly and unexpectedly struck down by tachycardia. Still, we move to those
sounds as if they were ocean waves and we were so many isolated stands of kelp
close in by the shore and the moon had sunk close enough to the earth to cause
a barely audible humming, a harmonic vibration preceding the imminent collision
of two like bodies, of two substances identical but for the names we give them
and the patterns that appear on their surfaces. Those caused by chance
collision and the occasionally violent movement of the atmosphere over
unanchored debris, and those caused by someone having a go at them with a
stick. Drawing pictures of faces, mostly, with their eyes closed and their lips
parted to reveal the empty place where teeth should be. Sometimes animals of a
sort that have gone extinct or never actually existed in the first place – with
horns that look like modern armchairs and tails so long and elaborate as to
render the bodies they are attached to insignificant, nearly invisible. You
have to get up close to see them and when you do, there is a moment when you
lose all perspective, when you are in danger of tumbling headfirst into this
other, lesser world -- this place of mere scratched-in line and shadow -- and
never returning. But this vertiginous feeling doesn’t last long. Pretty soon
you are home again, doing the dishes, placing the different sorts of silverware
in their proper places in the drawer, and you begin to daydream, even fantasize
about what it might have been like to stay there, to get lost in those lines
and those primitive patterns – yes, daydream about it now in spite of the genuine
terror you felt at the time, the way you had clawed at the air itself for
purchase, had prayed an inaudible prayer that, looking back on it now, seems
thoroughly undignified, the sort of thing a child might say when the rain is
pelting his windows.
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